


"I love you, Senpai!"

by Ikasury, WishStone



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Broken Hearts, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Friendship, Golden, Just not in order, Rise!PLZ, harem run, kannao - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-05-28 21:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6346030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikasury/pseuds/Ikasury, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishStone/pseuds/WishStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the train pulls out of the small countryside station, Naoto is hit with a reality she had been trying hard to ignore for months now.</p><p>(Direction and 80% of Chapter Six courtesy of Ikasury)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I love you, senpaiiiiiii!"

Naoto stumbled, catching herself as she ran after the train taking away Yu Narukami from her. From _them_ , technically, but all she could feel was it taking him away from _her_. Ripping at her. Tearing at her. Like iron hooks trailing after the train, lodged deep inside her gut. That was the pain she felt as it started to move, the pain which intensified as it picked up velocity.

It was nothing compared to the explosion of pain she felt at Rise-san's outburst.

Nothing to the aftershocks of pain and confusion and hurt she say in the faces of Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai.

She lurched numbly to a halt as the train sped away, nearly stumbling off the platform, if it had not been for Yosuke-senpai grabbing her hurriedly. She did not even complain as she stood beside him, his arm around her waist.

"It'll be okay, Naoto. There is e-mail and phones and he'll be back to visit us, too!" She got a trademark wink from under shaggy auburn hair. "It'll be fine."

But it would not be. Because now she knew. No, not knew. She _had_ known. Now she _realised_. Yu Narukami isn't hers. He had not been hers before she joined the team. He had not been hers as he left. She had only been one of many. And while she has pretended to not see, pretended to not know... now she knew.

* * *

It had been two weeks since Yu Narukami had returned to the city.

Naoto had found herself entering a numb state in which she functioned mainly on auto-pilot. Habit got her out of bed and some coffee brewed. Habit got her washed and dressed and her travel mug filled. Habit got her to school, helped her through the day and let her avoid interacting with the others. Just as habit would get her home, to her desk. Habit let her finish her scheduled homework and tasks... and then it failed her.

Once everything was taken care of, it failed her by dropping her into the vacuum of her drifting thoughts.

Why had she ignored it? The signs had all been there...

Miserably she curled up in the couch and wept bitterly. She had seen and correctly identified the looks that Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai had given Yu. Identifying intimate relationships was her bread and butter as a detective. Knowing if a woman would lie for a man, knowing if a man could fly into a jealous rage - these were basic tools in the workbench of a detective. They were easy pressure points to bring out truth and lies.

She had _known_ about Rise-san. She'd have needed to be blind and deaf to not know about the idol. And even though that was always right in front of her, even though she knew - ever since that night at the shrine when she discovered Yakushiji-san... she had played make-believe. Like her shadow - childish, too smart for her own good, she had made herself believe that _maybe_ the other girls _did_ flirt with him, but he was all hers. Wasn't he? Hadn't he said he loved her? Had he not asked her to spend that evening with him only a few weeks later?

Sure, Christmas came and he did not spend the evening with her, but she was busy, anyhow, and so was he, clearly, and surely they did not need to cling to something as artificial as a calendar date. She had spent the morning of the New Year together with him. New beginnings. A much more meaningful thing! … right?

Clutching a pillow she helplessly sobbed out loud, remembering her drawing of the 'Worst Luck" fortune.

She should not have let herself get swept away like that. She thought she would go crazy with jealousy when she picked up the trail of two people near the ski hut and they rushed in on him and Chie-senpai.

The pain she felt on Valentines was nearly unbearable. Knowing he spend the day with Rise cut deep. And as she _happened_ to be near his home that evening, she saw the other girl, Marie-chan, wait for him... and also watched her gift him chocolates. Which, for the reservedand strange girl, he ate on the spot. Her own he rejected.

She curled tighter in on herself, as if trying to contain her breaking heart. Re-breaking, as it were. Breaking again and again, with each memory of a loving smile another girl gave him; every memory of him holding her in secret, every memory of time they could have shared but did not due to any other girl claiming his attention. Breaking also over her own stupid delusions.

Who did she think she was, being able to compete? Who did she think she was, being able to-

Her phone gave eight sharp beeps in the quiet room. Three long, two short, three long. S. M. S. Someone had send her a text message.

Someone could wait. Wait till tomorrow. Or next week. Wait till she could do more than function on automatic impulses and crying alone.

_Beep beep beep, beeeeep beeeeep, beep beep beep!_

A second message. Two so short after one another could mean Dojima. He had her number. She had told him she was staying in Inaba for the next two years and was at his disposal. She probably needed to check these messages sooner rather than later.

Uncurling herself hurt. She had been in a small tight ball on her couch for a while. The crying and tension had made things hurt all over and now her body protested against her struggle to unfurl. Swinging her legs out and down, Naoto reached for her phone, just as it buzzed a third time.

Blinking against the seemingly way too bright display, her eyes needed a few moments to adjust from the darkness of her living room and the strain the crying had put on them.

Three text messages. All of them from Kanji Tatsumi.

She opened the first one.

**_Yo. Haven't seen you around school much._ **

A message she would easily ignore. Naoto opened the next one.

**_I mean, it's not like you to not be around. Just wondering._ **

Again. Easily ignorable.

**_Damnit, Naoto. I worry about you. You're not being yourself. Let me know you're okay, okay?_ **

She stared at his last message until the display turned dark.

' _I worry about you'_ …

Naoto Shirogane sat in her dark apartment, staring at the phone in her hands, unseeing. In her hurt, she had not thought of her friends. Had not considered reaching out to them - or anyone.

And now a hand was reaching for her, asking her to take it.

Pain crept back into her chest and she let the phone clatter to the floor, curling back up, trying to keep her broken heart from fully shattering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shamelessly channeling a bit of personal hurt right now, and not wanting to contaminate my other works. Sorry that this is pushing back chapters of other things, however, I rather not angst all over DF or ETF. ETF will be bad enough WITHOUT contamination and DF just got out of the bad place. Sowwy.


	2. Chapter 2

Five weeks and two days. It had been five weeks and two days since Yu-senpai had left.

Naoto had spent her day quite normally at school. Her phone was turned off today. She would not turn it on. She could not turn it on out of fear that he may not call today. That he may have forgotten.

She cleared out the letters in her shoe box, including a few small gifts and dumped them into the trash. Let anyone see what she thought of their gifts to a stranger. She did not care when she heard the few scandalised gasps or the angry mutters. She did not care when she heard someone dive into the paper basket after the items she just threw out. They were trash. Hollow items without emotional meaning.

Coming home, she found no letters addressed to her. She found no message that a parcel may have arrived.

Much later that night she turned her phone on to see a number of missed calls and voice messages.

The only number she had desperately wanted to see that day was one of the missed calls. But no voice message was left for her.

* * *

> Grampa,
> 
> I am so sorry I have avoided answering my phone. Right now, I simply don't have the emotional bandwidth for talking to anyone. Please forgive me.
> 
> The young man we recently discussed, my senpai? I've since learned that he had been leading on a number of girls. While I would love to say I do not wish to speculate on his motive, it is hard to do anything but. I keep asking myself why I let it happen. I keep asking myself why I ignored the signs. And I keep asking myself why he would do this to me - do this to us. Why would he tell me (and presumably others) that he holds feelings for them, if in the end these words turned out to have been used too carelessly? And what, if anything, did he really, actually feel for me? These thoughts seem to pulse within me; they spiral in and out, bringing the same question in a million ways to be asked. It hurts. I seem obsessed with seeking out the deeper hurt in all of this. I just do not know what to do.
> 
> Grampa, I made foolish mistakes. I spent an evening with him. Alone, at his home. Just thinking about it pains me so. Yes, I was careful. And while things culminated to the outcome one would possibly easily guess from two hormone-ridden teen-aged children, I made sure precautions were set in place. However, I feel endlessly foolish to have given myself to him. I have been so very blinded by the situation, by him, by how I feel. I had fully forgotten one afternoon only last January. One of my female senpai, a friend, mentioned how nice and orderly his room was. And another of my friends, another of my female senpai, agreed. Which is when they both realised that they had seen his room. And I want to say I realised it as well but I ignored it. I ignored it, Grampa! Why? This is not how you raised me. This is not the critical thinking I should embrace in life. Why would I ignore such vital information? Why would I let it hurt me? And it hurts, Grampa. It hurts so much. Why was I such a stupid _girl_ in all of this? Why did I not follow my own creed, that I would avoid emotional entanglements? Why did I let this happen? I don't know what to do about all of this. I don't know how to make it stop hurting. What can I do? How can I st

* * *

When she started awake, Naoto found herself curled up in front of her laptop in her bed yet again. She had tried to write to her grandfather several times on different nights now. Tried to head off the darkness that her heart seemed to fill with at night. Tried to stop it or at least channel it into an e-mail; channel it into a cry for help.

Painfully irritated eyes scanned what she wrote so far. It was heartfelt, sure. But it showed she could not cope. Showed she could not handle herself. And what Shirogane could not handle themselves or even show the effort to others?

Grampa would only worry. He was too far away to help - and even if he were closer, no one could mend the broken heart in her chest. No one.

Scanning over the screen, she found tears welling back up before she managed the half-way mark. She reached out to her mouse with a shaky hand, and confirmed the Delete Draft option before she dropped the small input device and curled back in on herself, sobbing out loud.

* * *

"I see you have returned."

Naoto opened her eyes to the stinging green neon lighting of the laboratory. All around her, apertures bubbled and hissed, huge screens showed shadows oozing along corridors and in the centre of it all stood the massive operating table. The air was difficult to breathe, the acrid sting of each breath made her cough if she did not keep her breathing shallow enough.

"You came back!" Her Shadow jumped from domineering to childish and skipped towards her, throwing arms in over-sized sleeves around her in a tight hug. She felt herself return the embrace and with it, another of her emotional dams broke.

It had been years since she had allowed any physical contact with others. Years in which not even her own grandfather could hug her without a reproachful comment from her lips. Until... Until recently. Whimpering at first, then softly keening, she slid to the floor, still held in the embrace of her other self.

"It's okay. You're okay. I'm always here. I am, after all, your self. I am always here for you." A gentle hand stroked her arms, took off her cap, and stroked her hair. "Even if, at this time, I have to remind you that I very much told you so."

"...t-told...?" Naoto sniffled.

"Yes," her Shadow purred, leaning back to let its bright yellow eyes gaze into hers coldly, "told you, that you'll never be good enough as a female."

She shook her head vigorously. "No... No, you got it all wrong. This had nothing to do with-"

"Oh, you dummy," it chuckled, child-like, "it had _everything_ to do with that! He wanted a _girl_ friend. And you tried, and tried and made yourself look so silly." The childish glee slid off the shadows face and was replaced with a cold, calculating stare. "Played the fool for a foolish boy who never even was anywhere close to being your equal. And you tried _so hard_ to be what he wanted you to be. Like any weak, foolish girl, you tried to dress the part, tried to change how you speak-"

"...stop it..."

"-tried to be anything other but who you _are_ , who you rightfully _should_ be. Who you boldly proclaimed you _would_ be!"

Naoto roughly pushed the Shadow back and scrambled backwards, away from it. "Stop. Stop it, please. Not this..."

"You tried to be a demure little _girlfriend_ , Naoto Shirogane. And how did that work out for you?" A screen behind the Shadow flickered from static into the display of Naoto, curled up on her couch, crying. A second screen showed her getting dressed, as if filmed thought a Venetian mirror, barely put together. Another one showed her hunched down, hot water running over her, but the water only hides her tears. More and more screens flicked on, showing the sorry state she found herself in. "You're simply not feminine enough for someone to sincerely take notice of you. How could they? The way you dress. The way you speak. The profession you strive for. And he saw right through it all. Saw right through your lies."

"You're wrong, he said ... said he... loved..."

The shadow hunched down, knees draw up to its chin and sulked. "I told you. I told you you'll need my help. I wanted to fix you."

"Fix...? But... there is nothing wrong with-"

"-who you are? Or who you claim to be? Or who you would wish you could pretend to be?" The Shadow stood again, walking towards her, towering over her. "You are, at best, a failed experiment. You could not even manage to be female if you tried with all your might. You should have let me help."

"No…"

"You should have let me fix you. But now, you only really have one option left." It mockingly smiled while raising its hand, index and middle finger tightly stretched forward, ring and little finger curled in, thumb pointed up. The Shadow laid the 'barrel' of this gun to its temple and dropped the thumb, mimicking a silent shot.

"NO!"

Naoto jumped up in bed, screaming. Struggling out of the panic of her dream, she thought she could still hear her Shadow's taunting laughter in her head. "You... you are... you're not..." But even here, awake, she could not say it. Could not make herself defend her actions. Could not honestly tell her Shadow that it was fully wrong.

She dropped back into bed, clutching her blanket closer, crying herself back to sleep.

* * *

Over the years, her cap had filled many roles. Currently, it was mainly employed in its use as shield against the outside world. She could bring the brim down far enough to shield her eyes from curious glances and she avoided accidental eye contact which could lead to yet another awkward conversation. Well. Awkward for the other party, anyhow. She herself found herself not caring these past weeks.

Right now, nothing mattered. She stuffed her shoes carelessly on top of the still-being-written confessions and love-letters. Part of her pointed out that if her shoes were wet while doing so, only the better. Part of her scolded her, said she could at least make the effort to throw the letters out first. But mainly, she did not care.

A lack of care and attention was it, which lead her into an unexpected trap. One she had not seen coming. One she found herself ensnared in and unable to gracefully exit.

It had now been about seven weeks since Yu-senpai had left. In all of this time, he had not reached out to her at all, and she felt too hurt to try reaching out herself. Especially after a much-delighted Rise squee'ed about the cute picture Senpai had send her. Seven weeks of nightly heartache and seven weeks of doing her best to not be social with anyone. She could not face the other girls of her group, could not bear to see in their eyes reflected what her mirror showed to her... and could not bear the thought of them seeing it in her own.

She had turned avoiding everyone into an art. She knew where everyone generally spent their lunches and time after school, she had even taken pains to change her own schedule so she would walk home without chance of running into the other girls.

Lunch this day found her sitting in the library, a place the others seemed to avoid unless the greater exams came up. She herself enjoyed spending time here. The general smell of paper. The quiet. And, most of the time, the feeling or no one else being near.

She had lifted her head to stretch out her hurting-from-hunching shoulders - and there she saw Kanji Tatsumi. He quietly sat one row over, his ever-constricted grey eyes resting on her. When she looked up at him, he held her gaze a moment, then turned back to the exercise book in front of him.

She didn't think too much of it. Even someone like him would sooner or later see the necessity of attendance and the value of homework. And while, yes, he would generally be elsewhere during his breaks or after school, maybe he was trying to improve himself. Admirable. Slightly distracting. But even with her best planning, the people around her could change their pattern now and again.

Naoto let herself drift back into her auto-pilot the rest of the day.

It was not before the next day that she realised that by hiding herself she had cloaked others from her own, generally very keen, senses. As such she had not noticed that Kanji had taken up a vigil of sorts. And now that she paid attention to it, he turned up everywhere. She spotted him on her walk to school. Noticed him when she went to her class room. Found that he had switched tables with another student and now sat much closer. She noticed him linger between class changes and while not exactly shadowing her, he was never far off.

After school, she noticed him being near. He was not talking to others most of the time and she had a feeling of being followed. After a few days she decided to take a few detours on her way home and found him close still. He was following her

It was odd behaviour on his part, though non-threatening.

In truth, this may have been her own doing. Since the text messages he had send her a few weeks ago she had not replied; had in fact avoided talking to him. At first because she didn't know what to say. "I am fine"? That would not be believed. "I am not doing well"? That admittance was not one she could admit to herself even. She was certain his regard for her was sincere. Wasn't he her partner during the excursions into the shadow world? Wasn't he the one she could execute a powerful combined attack with?

But if she could not reach out to even family, how could she find a way to accept anyone else near? And when all was said and done, he barely knew her.

Being frank with herself, she avoided him because he had cared. He offered a helping hand when all she wanted to do was hurt. All she wanted to be was in pain. All she wanted was to drink of the proverbial goblet of misery that she had brought to her lips every night since Yu-senpai had left.

It felt as if staying in her hurt would somehow explain things. Give meaning to her situation. Provide answers.

As such, while it took a few days to fully register and a few more for herself to confirm that Kanji had made himself a steady but silent companion to her, she was too tired, too worn to even consider doing anything about it by the time she fully grasped the reality of it. She would never encourage him. But she also did not have the energy to dissuade him.

He'd get tired of it. He'd get tired of her. Right now, she only needed to wait for that to happen. It would, certainly. And by that time, she would be able to not care about his displeasure or annoyance or whichever he might feel then. Just another equation. Just another proof that any social entanglements were a waste of time at best- and hurtful in the extreme in the worst of cases.


	3. Chapter 3

"For someone claiming they don't want to see me, you sure do come 'round for a lot of visits."

Naoto's Shadow lay sprawled out across the operating table sideways, her legs probably dangling off one side, her head and shoulders hanging over the other, facing the original. A sly smile curved its lips as it watched the detective approach.

"I am not 'visiting', nor am I here by my own choosing. You are holding me captive!"

She watched as her shadow lazily rolled over and let itself slide off the side of the raised table slowly, then leaned forward with both lower arms on the surface and watched her. "The only one holding you a prisoner at this time is you, Naoto Shirogane."

"Why are you doing this," she shot back, "why are you keeping me here? I have escaped once, I will escape again!"

"You did not, as a matter of fact, escape. Indeed, your staying here was all but a given. The only reason you escaped-" It lifted a hand and pointed to a door in the far back wall bursting open and seven shapes dashing through. With a snap of its fingers, the figures slowed to a near-halt, moving at an unnaturally slow pace. "You'd have stayed here, safe, with me. I'd have helped you, like I promised. I'd have made sure you would never again have to face being ridiculed or taken for granted. But no. You had to involve _them_."

Naoto turned and watched as the figures started to burst through the greenish fog swallowing most of the door. Foremost was Kanji Tatsumi, followed closely by the rest of the team.

Kanji... Something tried to jog her mind at that, but it slid away. Something about him always being in the front of things, or being the closest or nearest or being the one running towards her...? No, that made no sense.

Crossing her arms she stood taller. "If you imply that I had asked them to help me, you are mistaken."

She heard her shadow bark a laugh behind her. "Naoto Shirogane, the Detective Prince asking for help? From civilians? Never!" The voice moved closer and she stiffened as the shadow ran both arms slowly around her body, hugging her close. A gentle, child-like voice spoke by her ear. "But you really-really-really wanted them to help. You wanted them to come play with you-"

"-this never was a _game_ -"

"- _play with you_ ," it continued louder, "but you were too shy to ask them. What if the other kids laugh at me? Why would they even want to be my friend? They don't want me to be with them... and so you never asked. You never reached out. Because you are convinced they do not want to play."

The team had started to skid to a halt, all but Kanji, who was still moving forward, one outstretched hand slowly turning into a fist.

"But that did not matter." The voice grew cold again and the hug ended. Her Shadow stepped around her, pointing at the group. "You knew how to make it hurt less. The problem was not that you were shy. _They_ were the problem. _They_ were not good enough. _They_ are stupid. _They_ are incompetent. They could never be on your level!" It turned, glowing eyes hazy in the fog. "And so you convinced yourself that you are the only company you need."

"Maybe... maybe that was true before. But I have changed! I consider them my friends and-" She paused, swallowed and found her eyes glued to Yu. Her heart pounded in her chest, she wanted to run to him, wanted him to hold her, wanted _him_ , for herself. "I've made meaningful connections. I... I am _loved_!" Without thinking she reached forward. "I am loved and I... Yes, I have made friends who-"

It turned sharply towards her and snarked right over her words. "Friends? _Friends_? What is a friend, Shirogane-san? Mhm? What is a friend?"

"A-A person who though acts of kindness has proven a certain level of interest in my well-being-"

"Try again!"

"Th-They... they have shown that they can tolerate my-"

"Wrong. Try again!" It marched up to her and grabbed her by the collar, pulling them face-to-face. "Try _harder_!"

"A-A fr-friend... they... they would..." She trailed off, helplessly held by brightly yellow eyes.

With a disgusted grunt the Shadow pushed her away. It turned and pulled Algernon from its holster. Seven impossible shots rang out loud and clear. Seven teenagers began to fall in agonising slow-motion.

Naoto did not move. She watched them fall and knew that each shot had been deadly. Running to them would be futile. There was nothing anyone could do to help them. They would die, here, in her prison, because they had foolishly tried to break in.

Numb and cold, she sat hard on the floor and watched how each of them fell slowly where they stood. Her eyes welled up as she saw blood blossom on Yu's white shirt like a flowering rose.

"You do not even deserve them, Naoto. You think they are the ones undeserving of you. But you are the one who does not deserve friends. Does not understand friends." A sharp laugh." Does not understand what a _lover_ is. And this... this is why you will die alone." With that, it unhooked the butte of the revolver from its cord, laid it on the floor and kicked the weapon at her feet. "Here. This will be easier. At least then I don't need to listen to any more-"

* * *

The sharp beeping of her alarm cut her short. It was ten to six in the morning.

She ignored the tears silently running from her eyes as she turned off the alarm and crawled out of bed to start her morning.

* * *

As she left her apartment, remembering her recent observations, Naoto stopped and surveyed the road up and down. And, yes, there was Kanji Tatsumi. He stood across the road, one hand holding his school bag over his shoulder, one hand shoved into his pocket. He watched the entrance to her apartment complex. Watched her. There was no hesitation, no bashfulness. He openly watched her and as she sharply turned to head to school, she caught him setting himself in motion as well.

Anger surged up in her, pushing through the mist of pain and numbness. For the first time in weeks she felt anything but sorrow and it had to be yet another negative emotion.

She stopped. A moment later, the steps on the other side of the road halted. She turned sharply and saw him simply stand on the other side, watching her. Trying to make out his features, she thought he looked _surprised_ , if anything.

Furiously she crossed the street and walked right up to him. "What are you doing, Kanji-kun?" She had stepped too close and needed to tip her chin forward, glowering up at the tall boy.

"Dunno 'bout you, Naoto, but 's a regular school day and I'm headed to school."

"Your house is nearly twenty minutes on foot away!"

"Decided I needed a walk before school. Clears out the head, see?" He was utterly unperturbed by her anger, simply keeping his voice steady and his expression neutral.

Naoto snarled, "Do you take me for a fool? I know you have been shadowing me!" She pointed a finger sharply at him. "You are following me most of my school day!"

"Yeah, 's right."

This stopped her dead in her tracks. "You... you will not even try to deny it?"

He shrugged. "Yer' Shirogane Naoto, the Detective Prince. An' I'm me. Ya think I could track ya unnoticed if I wanted?"

Naoto gaped up at him.

"Let's go then. We don' wanna be late." With that he turned forward and walked ahead.

It was bait. She knew it was bait. She also knew she could not stop herself. Hurried steps took her after his retreating form. "Why?"

"Mhm?" He didn't stop.

Naoto ran past him and stopped in front of him. "Why, Kanji-kun?"

He stopped and sighed, looking straight forward, not down at her. "Because yer not well. An' I don't get why. We're all sad Yu-senpai's left, but yer seriously not dealing. And till I know yer okay, I'll stick around."

"And what could you possibly do to help? What could you _possibly_ do to make ... make it hurt less?" Tears welled up in her eyes, and she scrubbed her wrists angrily against her face roughly. She tipped her cap down, frustrated that she had started to cry. She hadn't meant to, not in front of others.

He was quiet for a while, then hunched down, so he could see under her cap. "See, that's what I mean. Yer worse off 'n Rise." Naoto flinched at her rival's name... then sobbed when she realised her first thought of Rise was _rival_ not _friend_ any longer. "Damnit, Naoto..." His swear carried no heat. Kanji sighed deeply. "C'mon. School. We'll talk later, yeah?"

She let him pivot her and give her a tiny push forward. Her feet started to move and she slowly let her auto-pilot take over again.

They did not speak again for the rest of the day.

After class, she hurried out, knowing he was following, but not speaking up or asking her to.

* * *

"End of message. Press seven to archive. Press eight to hear message again. Press nine to delete message."

Her thumb moved and pushed a button on her phone, not moving it from her ear.

"New message. May twenty-fifth, twenty-one sixteen o'clock." The voice changed from the generic female automated system to Yu Narukami. "Ah, you're possibly busy. Hey, Naoto, it's me, Yu. I'm sorry I keep missing you. You should call sometime, okay? Listen, it's Rise's birthday in a few days, on Friday the first. She mentioned you're not talking much, so I thought I'd remind you. Don't forget it, okay? You mean the world to her. Okay, later! Call me."

Naoto's breath caught on the last two words once more.

The voice changed again. "End of message. Press seven to archive. Press eight to hear message again. Press nine to delete message."

Her thumb hit the eight-key yet again.

She drank every word of his. Every inflection. Every breath. He asked her to call him. Not once. Twice. Twice! And she listened again, breathless, willing his message to mean something other than him asking her to spend time with Rise. Willing the message to be not about Rise. Willing the message to be all about _her_ , Naoto Shirogane.

"...later! Call me." Click. "End of message. Press seven to archive. Press eight to hear message again. Press nine to delete message."

The button was pushed again. Naoto curled up on the couch, the phone tightly pressed to her ear, trying to drown the pain of hearing his voice in the sweet flutter of her heart that came with each word.

She did not notice when she started to cry. But the sobs grew louder, slowly drowning out the voice message she craved so much to hear.

No matter how much she pretended that this call has been about her - it had not been.

Rise. It was Rise's birthday soon. They talked, him and her. They had discussed how Naoto and Rise had not spoken.

What else? What else did they talk about?

Did he tell Rise the same words he had told her. How she made him feel complete? How having her close was the best thing to happen to him? How he wishes she would stay close forever?

The mournful sound that broke from her chest drowned out the clatter of her phone hitting the floor. She curled up tightly into a small ball, sobbing. Wasn't jealousy supposed to make you angry? Was it supposed to actually hurt like this?

How did the others bear this? How did Chie-san and Yukiko-san function still? How did the other girls Naoto had since discovered? How did _anyone_ deal with this much pain?

Unbidden, her Shadow came to mind. Sniffling she remembered it pressing her for friends.

Did it mean to tell her she had friends to trust in?

Did she?

Was the Investigation Team actually a group of friends? She barely knew the others. Her main focus had always been Yu-senpai. He was what made it work. He was what held the others together. Without him, there was no group, no one to turn to. He had always been there. Without him, what was left?

Sure, Yosuke-senpai still had Teddie-kun staying. And it was her understanding that Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai had been friends from a young age. Rise-san was soon going to return to her career, wasn't she? That left Kanji Tatsumi.

Try as she might, she could not call him a friend. She had investigated him before her first contact with the young tailor. He was a loner. Kept to himself. Did not seek out the company of others. Too many rough edges, too. In several of his past activities he bordered criminal behaviour, even causing bodily harm to others. Even if they were frequently partnered, she had no higher or lower regard for the teen.

Seen like this, without any filters to give things a pretty sheen, there were no friends here for her. Just she herself. Just Naoto Shirogane. No wonder her Shadow had been riled up. She had claimed friendships, knowing there were none. It must have realised this before her. Must have realised she was alone. And that's why...

Suddenly Algernon pressed against her hip rather uncomfortably. She shifted, trying to pull the revolver free. She had fallen into bad habits, such as no longer removing her weapon or putting it in its designed spot near her bed. She stood, unfastening the holster, chiding herself half-heartedly.

Looking outside a new thought entered her head. She walked to one of the windows, peering out to the road lid by street lamps. Tatsumi had declared he would continue to… To shadow her until he understood. Thankfully, his misguided vigil did not seem to include nights.

Why did he claim he did not understand? Had he himself never felt like this perhaps? Her outburst and crying should have been a very good clue on her state and her overall issue.

Naoto stopped, realisation dawning. That's right. He had not noticed. He must have not noticed the situation that had developed between Yu-senpai and herself. Well. She had tried very hardtop make sure she would not be obvious in their courtship. It should not have been a surprise that he did not see it. Or did he simply feign ignorance?

Naoto observed her tears had dried up, though the pain in her chest still clung to her.

She turned to leave her living room and undressed bit by bit as she walked to her bedroom, carelessly scattering her clothes on the floor as she walked. Who really would care? Not her.

Algernon fell along with her holster and she left her revolver lying on the ground, not bothering to pick it up.


	4. Chapter 4

It was an ambush. As she climbed the stairs to the second floor - there was Yukiko-senpai in front of her. She whirled around, trying to backtrack and Chie-senpai stood on the stairs leading up. Her hand came to rest on the younger girl's shoulder.

Naoto flinched, forcing her eyes shut sharply. She could not face them. She could not face _this_. "Senpai... please..."

There was a moment where neither of them spoke. The general bustle of the school went on around them, students breaking off into groups to spend lunch outside in the mild days of late April. Slowly the hallways emptied, but neither of the three girls spoke.

The first to break the silence was Yukiko-san behind her. "Chie was right then. You have actually been avoiding us." It sounded hurt. Deeply disappointed. And so very sad. "I... I didn't want to believe her.

"I think I get it," Chie-san supplied, "but it's still stupid." Naoto felt her shoulder being released. " Geez... You're shaking, Naoto-kun! Oh, come, please, you're not suddenly afraid of us? We're still friends..."

The pause stretched on.

Haltingly Yukiko-san supplied, "Or aren't we?"

Both hands flew to the brim of her cap and Naoto tried hard to pull her hat lower into her face, wanting to hide the shameful tears she felt running over her cheeks now. Hot and bitter and way, way too telling.

"Na... Oh Naoto-kun." The empathy in Chie's voice grasped the bundle of raw pain in her chest and squeezed harder. "Yuki, check if there's-"

"-yes, right away." Hurried steps told her Yukiko-sen hurried away.

Naoto fought making any noise at all, silent hiccups being all she allowed the other girl to see. She heard a zipper being pulled, then felt her hat being taken away and smelled the scent of Chie wrapping around her. Her jacket was dropped over her upper body and the sporty girl started to manhandle her up the stairway, towards the classrooms.

"Satonaka-senpai? Who's that?" Naoto stiffened as she heard one of the girls from another class speak up in front of them.

The older girl laughed. "Can you believe there are still first years dumb enough to actually try and look under Yuki's dress in the stairway...?" Naoto felt being marched onward, stumbling along. Her protests, silently trying to stop being pulled away, suddenly seemed in character.

"Oh boy, give him hell!"

"That's the plan..."

She was turned sharply and a door closed behind them. Realising she was fully trapped and there would be no escaping this any longer, her legs gave way and she pulled herself up into a small ball. The jacket was pulled away and her hat was gently pushed towards her hands. When she didn't take it, she felt it being taken.

Someone sat down in front of her. Someone sat by her side.

Haltingly a hand was laid on the arms slung around the legs in front of her, and shortly after the same hands started to squeeze her arms gently.

"What's wrong, Naoto-kun?" Yukiko-senpai's voice came from her left. "When I noticed you started to avoid us, at first I thought I'd have done something - or either one of us. But ... you're not angry." It wasn't a question. Her senpai knew something.

She didn't want this conversation. Not now. Not ever. She didn't want to look at them. She didn't want to see their longing, loving gazes at Yu-senpai superimposed onto their faces. That they seemed nothing but gentle and concerned for her did not make it better. If anything this made it worse.

Unable to trust her voice with any of the lies or excuses her brain scrambled to provide, she only scrunched up tighter.

"Naoto-kun." Chie-senpai. That it had been her hand resting on Naoto's arms became obvious when her arm was squeezed as she said her name. "Hey..." A moment of quiet, then shifting. And suddenly she found herself in a strong embrace. The warm voice of her senpai beside her hummed softly and she felt the hug only grow tighter as she stiffened.

"Senpai... please... don't..."

"The moment you've had enough of crying, Naoto-kun. Not sooner." If anything, the embrace became tighter.

"I'm sorry... I am ... this is so..."

"I am not sure I understand, Naoto," Chie-senpai said, dropping the honorific, "but it's clear you need... something. I think right now you need a good cry. So go on."

Naoto fought it. It was unworthy of her name and creed to behave in such a manner. It was unworthy of her senpai to take care of her like this.

Pulling all her will together, she forced down her tears. Stilled her breathing. Regained control of her shivers.

The embrace slowly ended and she felt the sporty girl sit back. "Not sure this is the right choice, but okay. We will not make you do what you don't want."

"But we'd really like to have you tell us why you are avoiding us," Yukiko-san added. "Well. I would like an answer, at least."

The second-year felt around for her hat, found it and tugged it on before the two third-years would be able to see her face. "I assure you, senpai. This is not a matter that needs to concern you. Neither of you have caused me any wilful harm and neither of you need to feel obligated to look after my well-being. I am fine."

Chie-san scoffed. "Of course you are."

"Chie!"

"Sorry, Yuki, but that's-"

"We said we wouldn't push, so we won't." There was another moment of silence, possibly as glances were exchanged somewhere past her cap's brim. Both girls stood, but Yukiko-senpai continued. "When you feel you can trust us again, please come to us, Naoto-kun. Whatever it is, you are not alone and you do not have to deal with it on your own. I consider you my friend."

"Me, too," Chie supplied. "And it's not just us. Teddie's been asking for you. Stop by Junes today, please, else I won't have a single quiet moment next time I see them."

The uncomfortable silence that followed was finally ended by Chie sighing loudly before the door opened and closed.

Naoto lifted her head slowly. She was alone in the class room. Her own home room.

That could have gone better. If she had expected- no. If she had better prepared herself for the off-chance that the others would try to forcibly get involved, she would have had a better means of handling the situation. She would need to better consider that the others would come after her.

Yes. This had been a valuable lesson. An important lesson. She needed to be more careful. She needed to better protect herself. ...as if that lesson had not already been sharply driven home by Yu-senpai. She had been careless with her peers. Careless with her feelings. She had known - _known_ \- that they were not as mature as her. Known that they would not be on level with her due to upbringing and the life she had lead until she met them.

And, foolishly, she had dropped her guard. Given in to the charms of a young man who seemed to instinctively know how to convince the girls he brought into his life to... No! She would _not_ start to cry again.

Pulling herself up, she headed to her desk, pulled a tissue out of the box she kept there, and cleaned herself up.

She had learned. She would be prepared from now on. And she would need to start finding out what to do about her situation in regards to the others. Clearly her behaviour as it had been was too drastic and while it hurt to interact with the others, perhaps some minimal interaction would be less suspicious. Not that she had 'hung out' with any of the team before.

Yu-senpai. It had always been him. It _would always_ be him. He was what attracted her to the others. Attached her to them. Not friendship or similar social constructs.

She wondered briefly if she could convince her Grandpa to transfer schools.

* * *

With a muted _ding_ the elevator doors to the shopping levels at Junes opened and Naoto stepped onto the wide-open space of the third floor. Chie-senpai's words had driven her here, though she was unsure what there really was to discuss between Teddie and herself.

He was an odd creature. Not only did he not seem to understand once non-interest had been established to halt flirtatious motions, he also seemed evenly happy to flirt with _anyone_ , male, female, young, old - there was no stopping the boy-shadow. Once an idea settled in his head, such as his ridiculous notion of _scoring_ with Yukiko-senpai, nothing seemed capable of dislodging him.

Maybe that was how he approached friendships as well. In his mind, those who entered the TV World, his home, had done so to assist and save him. While he had indeed been vital in their continued progress and success, they had not done it for his sake. She told herself firmly she had not done what she did to assist him. It had been the direct way of solving the case laid before her. That was all. And that function had come to an end.

Admittedly her assistance in his win of the title of Miss Yaso High was not strictly speaking work. It had been a bit of fun. A respite. Nothing more. Nothing at all connected to friendship.

If she kept reminding herself of these facts, keeping him at a distance would be easy.

"Nao-chan!" A gleeful squeak rang out across half the level's floor and Teddie, dressed in his bear-costume, bounded towards her. She dodged as he tried to throw himself into her and watched unconcerned how he bounced on the floor and immediately was back on his feet. "Aw, Nao-chan, so cold!"

"You know I disapprove of your personal brand of physical assault and of your overly casual form of address." He gave her a whine. "Satonaka-senpai has informed me that you requested to see me." She crossed her arms and waited.

"Well, yes. You've not been around in forever, _kuma_ , and I've been worried. I really needed to see you and make sure you're well, Nao-chan."

Naoto scanned the surrounding area and found way too many eyes were upon them. After the entrance the boy-shadow had presented, she was not surprised. Turning away, she beckoned him towards racks of books and magazines, where currently no other patrons browsed the shelves. He followed, squeaky shoes and all, before she abruptly spun to face him. "What did you require? I do not have much time."

"Re... require? Nothing? Well, no, I require a smooch- _wait_!"

She froze, her back already turned towards him. Froze as Rise's face smiled at her. At least five different magazines with a birthday special. And a few collectors' editions of various entertainment magazines. Risette as far as she could see. Not something she needed to expose herself to. Not something she wanted to have on her mind now. She whirled back around to face Teddie. "Last chance, Teddie-kun. What is it you need?"

His suits' eyes slowly went vacant as the boy-shadow opened the zipper, popping his head out. "I don't know what you mean, _need_. I guess I just wanted to talk. I never see you anymore."

"Because we no longer have a lasting need to continue having any ties, Teddie-kun."

"What...? What does that mean?"

"I am saying: We have no basis to interact any longer. The-" she looked around, "the TV world has gone silent, no?" He nodded. "So you do not need us to patrol there any longer, do you?" Gazing at the floor he shook his head. "Ergo: You do not _need_ my presence. And I am very busy. If you will excuse me-"

"I say I do need it. You are my friend and I think you have been avoiding me." She stayed quiet, eyes fastened to the floor before her. "I'm not as smart as you, Nao-chan, but I know you used to come here for your shopping and I'd see you once a week or so when working. Now you're just never here." The last bit sounded too much like a whine.

Clasping her hands behind her back, she lifted her head. "Yes. Well. You have now seen me. If this was all, then I will be on my way."

"I was hoping you'd help us with Rise's birthday par-"

Icey steel-blue eyes froze him mid-sentence. "Enjoy your party. I do not believe you would need either my assistance in planning or my attendance. As you are well aware I dislike social outings. Now, if you _will_ excuse me. Good day."

She turned, winced at Rise's bright idol-wink at her and stormed off. She ignored his protests behind her, reminded herself he was technically an _it_ and blocked out what he called out as much as she could.

Naoto barely managed to flee outside the store before a hard sob shook her shoulders. Stupid. She should have realised that this was little more than a trap. Should have realised that this was just another ill-guided attempt of the others to try and get into her carefully build and maintained shell. She swallowed the tears trying to show themselves and rushed towards the bus stop.

She kept her eyes firmly on the ground, her cap only giving her a sliver of her surroundings - and allowing the outside world only a hint of her frown.

Approaching her bus stop she kept the internal mantra going. She needed distance. She needed to sort herself out first. She needed to prevent the others from boring into her hurt. If anything, then the ambush at school today had shown her they would not shy away from trying to embarrass her in public.

She stopped near her stop and leaned against the wall there, crossing her arms. She did not take notice of the people around her, of other students returning from after-school clubs or home-makers returning from their shopping.

When the first bus arrived, she looked up to see it was not her line. She also now saw Kanji Tatsumi lean against the wall several meters away from her. He, too, checked the line number, then settled back.

Staring at him with a frown for a moment, she tried to see if he was looking in her direction. When he wasn't, a mixture or surprise and annoyance came over her. Why was he here? His home is just up the street. He had no reason to be here. None. He should not be here. He should be back home and sew something or help out his mother or play with Nanako-chan... Why would she care? She had sorted out Teddie in short order, if he tried to engage her in conversation, she'd shut him down, too.

Nanako. The girl was wonderful. She wished she could see her. Playing with her always had lifted her spirits. She would of course never have a sibling, but the many, many times she wishes for one all came back hot and fresh whenever she played with Yu's cousin or helped her with her homework. She even had taken to calling her onee-chan in the weeks leading up to Yu leaving her.

Leaving them.

Leaving Inaba.

She pressed a fist to her aching chest when she realised that by losing Yu, she had also lost Dojima and Nanako. A strong father figure and a younger sister. She had felt so at home in that household. Had felt so loved. She was certain Dojima knew when she had spent the late evening with Yu and she gave him her first time. Was certain he was actually both surprised and pleased. She was certain Nanako would love her as a family member. Was certain she had found a place in a future that would ease her pains of the past.

Why didn't Yu see she was the only one _perfect_ for him?

Once more she felt tears trying well up. Pulling herself back into a tight, stoic pose, she resumed waiting. So long as Tatsumi was around, showing that kind of weakness was fully out of the question. So long as _anyone_ was around she could not let her guard down.

Why he had made himself her keeper was puzzling at the least and actually leaned into infuriating. She had no time for his repeatedly offered companionship. Sure, he was a steady point of relevance in her last year. His passion when he cared about any topic at hand shone brightly; his stoic quiet when he simply wishes to wait out a development was commendable. But he was an undesirable distraction. He knew her too well.

They had been able to execute a combo-attack, meaning that their Personae were in synch with one another like no others on the team. The powerful combination of the skeletal cage provided by Take-Mikazuchi, which Sukuna-Hikona filled with a unique and devastating Megalyodyne was unrivalled by the others. Tatsumi and she had an understanding, at least when it came to fighting.

Not exactly a transferable skill into the real world. There was no battle to be won here.

In any case, he had the wrong idea of their relationship. She did not need him to be her partner outside of the TV world. Though, oddly, since Yu-senpai had left, he seemed determined to be her _minder_. And that, _that_ was what was so upsetting. So long as Yu was with her, he kept other boys at bay. She did not need to worry about anyone being too close to her. He kept her safe. And right now, she desperately wanted to feel safe once more. Wanted to feel kept safe and comforted by his closeness.

Another bus arrived. Naoto picked up her briefcase and headed towards the entrance. A woman with a stroller tried to exit and in a flash Tatsumi was at the door, helping her take the stroller out. Kind of him.

She showed her monthly pass and entered. As she sat down in an empty spot, she saw Tatsumi buy a ticket and walk past her, standing a few feet away, casually checking his phone. He still was not looking at her.

 _Maybe he is not following me? Wonderful. Now I am imagining things._ Clearly he was not there for her, he was on his way somewhere. Perhaps his mother had sent him on an errant or maybe he wanted to go somewhere for himself. Did he have many friends? Was he out to visit someone?

As the bus set into motion she opened her case and took out a slim novel she had recently bought. Focused on this, she let her mind be pulled away from Inaba and into the story, if only for the short time it took her to get to her stop.

When the bus arrived at her stop she hopped out, turned towards her home - and froze when she heard footsteps seemingly following her.

Slowly turning to look over her shoulder, she peered straight into Tatsumi's eyes several meters behind her. He stopped and gave her a casual nod. "Ev'nin."

"Why are you following me?" There was an edge in her voice.

"Followin'? Na, not followin' ya. Just out for a walk."

"I see. Like the previous days?"

"Yep."

"We had the topic of your assumption of my being a fool previously."

He said nothing.

"You take me for a fool."

He crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow. "I wouldn't say that."

"Oh, really." She dropped her briefcase and turned to face him properly, her hands closing into firsts at her sides. "What _would_ you say?"

"Distracted. Lost. Very hurt." She swallowed. "An' I'll still wait till ya talk ta me again, damnit!"

"Why? What use would a conversation possibly have? What could possibly come out of any conversation you'd attempt to lead with me?" She started to feel heated, noticed her voice raising in volume-

He flung his arms wide. "I'unno, okay?" He started to shout and she raised herself up and forward, meeting the challenge of her raised voice. "I just don't know! Something's wrong. Has been for weeks. An' I'm sick and tired of it. We used to at least _talk_ , but you're being a total-" His mouth snapped shut and he pinched his eyes shut.

"Oh," she almost purred, "I am all ears, Tatsumi-kun. A total _what_?"

He panted for several seconds, then took a deep breath. "...total pain in the ass," he mumbled. "We're worried and yet all ya do-"

" _We_?" Her question was not well phrased and she should have specified _Who exactly do you group into 'we'?_ , but mistakes were bound to happen in human interaction.

"Okay, fine. Fine! I am worried, okay? Me! Tatsumi, Kanji. I am worried. I've not seen you this bad since... since the cops dumped ya last year. An' it was damned hard to just watch back then already. I won't just watch this time."

A dozen answers to that lay on her tongue. But all she managed was a roughly spat, "Do as you please." She turned and strode on, well aware of his steps picking up and following her nearly to her apartment. There he stopped and watched her go inside.

By the time she had managed to sneak to the window in her living room, he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Bright green florescent lighting, reflected of polished, cold metal. Grand, red banners, imitating the Featherman crest decorated the walls where screens were not present. Spotlights highlighted the metal operating table. A grotesquely large circular saw. Other, vaguely medical looking implements, oversized and distorted.

Naoto rubbed her hands slowly. She was cold. Correction, she generally did feel chilled. She felt colder than even normal for her. "Show yourself!"

It felt like her voice should echo in this chamber, but it never did. The raised floor, resting on metal grates, the walls lined with monitors, the tapestries - it all swallowed sound. If anything, her voice sounded oddly muted in her Shadows' chamber.

"I know you are here. You always are, waiting, seeking to hurt me." She slowly spun, looking all around the room. "Show yourself!"

Nothing. Just quiet beeps here and there, the whirl of some contraption or another. No mocking laughter. No crying, either.

She slipped her revolver from the holster, her index finger sliding along the trigger guard. Maybe her Shadow was asleep? Do they rest? Could she escape this place, maybe for good?

She hesitated and looked over her shoulder to the entrance. The door was sealed shut. She did not need to check, she knew. Maybe one of the monitors was connected to a master system that would let her unlock the door. She did not need anyone to come for her. She knew someone was coming, but who? Someone who wanted to help her. Or several someones? Maybe Dojima had noticed her abduction and assembled a team.

She walked along the rows of monitors, looking for a computer with the needed access. Her eyes ran over floorplans, seemingly empty other central rooms – maybe she needed to reach one of them? What controlled the doors to these? Access codes? Key cards? Actual keys?

Something else seemed amiss. Something tugging at the edge of her consciousness. Something about the Shadow being missing.

"Where are you;" she called out again, a hint of hesitation in her voice. "I know you are here… This is your home."

Once more her gaze trailed along the monitor-lined walls.

Then realisation hit her. There was not a single shadow. Not one - on any of the monitors. Every hallway, every room stood empty. Neither her own Shadow, nor any others seemed to be in the complex.

Turning back to the door, she sprinted for it. This was her chance. Her so far best chance to escape. She did not plan it, she did not need to, and she knew she could find her way out. All she needed was herself. Her wits, her reflexes, her understanding of logic, she would break free.

The door opened by simply hitting the large red panel beside the door and she laughed in delight as a short hallway lead her to a stairway going up.

She changed between sprinting and cautiously peering around walls. Corridor after corridor she crossed, seeing no sign of anyone but herself. She ignored the burning in her lungs, the acrid smell of burning plastic, the static scent of ozone and the change of light and dark as she ran past spotlights and dimly lit hallways.

Naoto slowed at a crossing that opened to stairs down. Curiously she followed them and found herself at the short hallways leading back to headquarters. She had been wandering in circles.

With a sigh she put her revolver back into its holster and entered the room. The doors slid closed behind her.

"Show yourself."

One of the larger monitors flickered to life and she saw her shadow sitting reclined, its hat pulled into its face. "What do you want this time?"

"This time? I want you to release me!"

The cap was pushed up and a bored, mocking eyebrow was lifted. "Believe you me, Naoto Shirogane, I tried."

"What? Just opening the doors won't set me free! There is a maze up there and all paths taken only lead me back here!"

"Fascinating, isn't it?" It reclined again, pulling its hat down. "All these struggles on your own, and you end up back where you started. Because smart you may be, but this is not a place you can escape on your own." It lifted a finger and slowly tapped where Naoto assumed its temple lay. "Your mind, which you are so fiercely proud of. It is your own jail cell. Your own torture grounds."

Several other screens turned to static, then changed what they showed. It showed her shadow shooting the teens she had involved in her case. It seemed to be a memory, but Naoto was certain that it had never happened. Another screen showed the same teens discovering the truth about her and turning away, disgusted and angry. Another showed a large shadow devouring the group, hiding them, then moving on, their fallen bodies sprawled on the floor. Bit by bit more scenes unfolded. Each one causing her _déjà vu_ , but each time she was certain it had never actually happened.

The largest one, which had just showed her own Shadow reclining, showed her picking up her revolver, pointing it to her own head and-

"No!"

Immediately the image changed, her shadow leaned forward with interest. "No?"

"I have my own… my own reasons…"

"Yes, yes, you had. _Had_. He is gone now."

"I will win him back!"

"How? You cannot even speak to him."

"I will… I can… …I…" Naoto slowly sank to her knees. "I cannot just let go."

"No one is telling you to." A very child-like voice sounded behind her and long white sleeves flopped around her as a hug held her from behind. "No one except you yourself. You wanna be strong. You wanna be smart. You wanna be with _him_. And all that happens instead is you getting hurt." The hug squeezed tighter. "I don't wanna be alone."

"You are not alone. You took me prisoner."

"You silly. No one holds you anything."

Silence settled in after this. Naoto felt her Shadow stay near, holding on to her. Her hurt should be dissolving. Physical contact does that, right?

"Naoto."

She looked up over her shoulder into bright yellow eyes.

The childish voice vanished. "I'm not here for your amusement. I showed you what to do. I showed you the way out I know. You have the means. But either way, I feel you will be stuck here. This," a huge sleeve flapped left to right and back, "this is all I know. And if you are honest… it's all you know."

She meant to reply. She meant to tell it how wrong it was, how she had it all planned out, how she knew the solution and how to move forward. No words came.

* * *

It was very important to point out that Naoto Shirogane does not sulk. Neither does she pout.

She was tired, that was all. Her head rested on her arms which in turn rested on her desk at school. Students drifted in and out of the classroom, thankfully no longer trying to engage her in conversation. Weeks of pointedly ignoring them finally paid off.

She heard the voices of students drifting in from the school yard outside through the open windows. Spring was in full force with only two days into May. While the weather held, few would bother to sit inside, additionally assisting her in her bid for solitude.

Someone moved a chair near her and she felt an item being placed on her desk.

She rolled her head back only far enough for her nose to remain pressed to her arm, as she glanced forward. An eyebrow slowly came up, as she saw two cloth-wrapped packages in front of her.

"Salmon or pork?"

She slowly lifted her head and the moment she saw his face, she pinched her eyes shut. "Kanji-kun."

"So? Salmon or pork?"

"What kind of a fragmented question is this?"

"Mhm?"

"You are not being precise. What is your question?"

"Ah. Sorry. Would you like salmon or pork for lunch?"

"I did not bri-"

"-bring any lunch, yeah, I figured." She opened her eyes and glared up at him. He stared back. "What?"

"How would you know…?"

"Ya ain't brought any lunch for two weeks. I mean, ya never eat much, but I've not seen ya eat at all."

"I have been busy."

"Yeah, sure. So?"

"So? I simply do not have the time to spend on such frivolous activates as worrying about a meal."

He crossed his arms, sighed and shook his head. As if his vague question has been obvious! "So – pork or salmon. Which do ya feel like? The pork is a simple katsu and the salmon is grilled."

If she had to admit it, it both sounded nice enough. However, she wasn't actually hungry, the painful ball of emotion taking up all her stomachs' capacity. "I do not need any- There is no reason for you to-"

"Yer ain't eatin'. That should be reason enough." With that, he pulled back the chair he had turned to face her desk and sat down. "An' right now, yer keepin' me from my lunch. Pick something already."

She frowned as he opened the cloth of the two boxes, then let her head sink back to her arms. "Eat, then. I am not obstructing you from consuming any of your food."

She heard another annoyed grunt, then listened to the boy unpacking the layers of two bento boxes. "Tell ya what. We can share. And if you like one thing better, you eat that." She turned her head to one side as she felt a small paper envelope being pressed in her hand – disposable chopsticks. "But I will not leave till you eat."

Her eyes slid shut. "That may be a bold statement, once our classes resume."

Paper ripped and she heard him unpack a set of utensils. "Maybe. Then again, I'll be with my back towards Kashiwagi. Will give me a nicer view for a change, too."

Lifting her head, Naoto stared back at him with raised eyebrows. There was a tiniest of blushes, maybe. Good. He should feel at least somewhat embarrassed at barging in on her like he did. His presence was unwanted and unwelcome.

"Why? What I mean is," she said, lifting one hand briefly before placing it back down, "why do you insist on … on…" Her voice trailed off. There seemed too much to list, and most of it, said out loud, sounded either like it would embarrass her in turn, or not make sense when spoken.

Kanji leaned one arm on the desk, pushing the offered lunch forward ever so slightly. "Let's see." He lifted his other arm and showed his first, uncurling the thumb. "One. Why do I insist on hangin' 'round when you try to make sure no one does? Because I don't think ya really, _really_ wanna be alone." He added his index finger. "Two. Why do I want you to eat? Because I don't wanna see ya get sick. …ya look awful." With his middle finger he now showed three. "I didn't know what ya like, so I thought I let ya pick yerself." Ringfinger. "I've been followin' ya because someone asked me to."

"Who?"

He shook his head opened his hand fully. "Five. I wanna have lunch with someone an' everyone else is busy today or sittin' outside. 's too damn warm." He tucked his thumb under his palm. "Six, I-"

Naoto put up both hands and sat up, her wrapped chopsticks falling to the floor. "All right, all right. You can stop now." She watched him bend down and pick up the long envelope. When he righted himself, she continued. "We will have lunch, but do not expect an exorbitant amount of conversation."

Kanji blinked, then shrugged. "Can do, I'll be too busy eatin' anyhow. So, you wanna share both?"

Naoto slowly unpacked her chopsticks. "…yes. But do not think I am- I am only doing this- What I mean-"

He waved her off. "Yer wanna be rid of me. This is the easiest way. Right?"

She eyed him, then nodded.

"Tha's cool. So long as you eat."

Starting at one another, they folded their hands over their chopsticks, in Naoto's case bowing her head slightly, and started to pick out bits of food.

Naoto found that while the lump in her gut seemed as present as ever, her appetite slowly came as she ate. That Kanji was a more than simply passable chef absolutely helped matters. The food was very good, carrying the comfort of home cooking she did not allow herself too often.

If she had to be honest, knowing that he had prepared the food with her in mind did bring her some happiness. Yes, she still felt she needed to distance herself from the members of the investigation team. But maybe she could allow small moments like this one as well. If nothing else, it kept them at a manageable distance.

It brought, however, no further answers.

Chewing on a bit of sweet pickled ginger, she stared unseeing at the food. Her nightmare from the previous night surfaced once more. What did she want? That answer was very clear to her. She wanted Yu. She wanted him in her life so badly it caused her physical pain. Hurt her so much she felt like weeping. Just the sound of his voice, listened to endlessly on her phone, broke her heart with longing.

Still, there was the problem of how. She could not even make herself send a single text message still. Each time she tried to call, her hands shook so violently she thought she would drop her phone.

Maybe simply moving to the city would help. Enrolling in his school would not be a problem. Finding a reason to tell Grampa would be easy, she could simply list credentials of the teachers there, or list certain courses Yaso-High didn't offer. There were ways, if only she had the means to reach for them.

What exactly was stopping her? It should not be something as trivial as consideration for the other girls. Several of them she did not even know personally. Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai seemed to be doing well. Rise, clearly, was busy. So there was no worry there.

She refocussed as Kanji grunted and pushed a tray forward, pointing with his chopsticks at the last piece of salmon. She shook her head and leaned back. With a shrug, he picked it up and added it to some rice before plopping both into his mouth.

Naoto put her chopsticks down and watched him eat. Yosuke was the only other male on the team, and she knew Yu considered him his closest friend. Maybe Kanji could act so normal, because he did not miss Yu. Maybe Rise was right in her teasing several months ago and Kanji had an interest in her. Whichever it was, he seemed more relaxed today as he sat with her and ate.

"Thank you."

He nodded, swallowing a mouthful. "Sure. Was it okay? I don't make katsu often and we were out of sauce an'-"

"It was very adequate. I am sorry I did not each much. I assuredly am not keen on food."

"Ya. I see that." He sighed. "Yer still not gonna tell me what's eatin' at you, hm?"

She shook her head.

"'kay. Well. Thanks for havin' lunch with me." He started to stack up the boxes and tied them back into their cloth squares. "If ya know what yer might like tomorrow, lemme know."


	6. Chapter 6

Tugging on her shoes, Naoto glanced outside. As the rain came in, it had grown significantly darker. Irrationally she mused that their school uniforms were not the safest items of clothing to walk around in the dark. If the white stitching on their jackets and pants were reflective, a lot of accidents could surely be avoided. She should bring this forward as a formal petition, maybe by the beginning of next semester they could already drastically reduce the risk of-

With a grunt she shook her head. That train of thought turned into a runaway wreck quickly...

She put her indoor shoes roughly into her letter-filled locker, picked up her umbrella and headed out past the Samegawa, headed along the most direct route to her bus stop.

It would be _her_ birthday in a few days. Naoto had by now given up on even opening the text messages sent by any member of the former investigation team. After the third one she opened - from three different people! - was on the subject of a planned party, she had lost all interest. The result was a stack of unread messages from her senpais (minus Yu) and Teddie. Thankfully the idol had enough tact to not try and push herself forward any more than she generally did already. And Kanji...

Yesterday she had _requested_ , merely such, that he stop trying to feed her. They had gotten odd looks previously and she was certain there was more than one new rumour about the Detective Prince in the works at this time. Besides, she needed her distance. She had gotten her wake-up call with her senpai and Teddie. She could not allow herself the added weakness of letting someone else put their proverbial foot into her resolve.

When she arrived at the stop, she saw an older woman in a modest kimono struggle to exit the bus that had pulled to a halt just in front of her. She hurried a few steps closer, lifting her umbrella for the woman and offered her hand.

"Oh, you are wonderful, dear, could you take my bag?"

She leaned forward and handed her a sturdy linen shopping bag. Naoto took it and transferred it to her other hand, now lifting both the bag and the umbrella. She reached out once more, offering her hand to help the lady exit the bus. Her manners kicked into gear and she smiled at ... Tatsumi-san.

"Thank you, dearie. My, but I am glad this isn't proper silk, it would be utterly ruined by now." With a face used to smiles, she wiped a few rain drops from her brow.

"Tatsumi-san? Isn't your son generally the one to pick up the shopping? I remember him once mentioning such."

The woman stopped, blinked at Naoto over the rim of her glasses, and recognition was added to the smile. "Why, it is Naoto-kun! Yes, generally he would, but he gave a class for a small group of children today, so it made sense to have him mind the store while I went out. But he was right, I should have brought my umbrella..."

The junior Shirogane nodded. "I understand. Then, please, allow me to walk you home. It would be remiss of me to simply ignore you now."

"If you would? Oh, thank you, dear."

With this, Naoto hefted her briefcase back under her arm, shifted the umbrella and gestured for the woman to lead.

They were half-way to her home, when the woman spoke up. "Naoto-kun... I'm sorry, I do not mean to be nosey..."

"Yes, Tatsumi-san?"

They walked a few meters in silence. "I noticed Kanji brought two lunches into school a few times now." Naoto's feet stopped for a breath before falling back into their normal rhythm. "And when I asked him about it, be grew very defensive. He does not get that way, unless he is doing something nice for someone. And now that I can see you up close, dear..." A small, wiry hand slipped out of her long sleeves and she gently grasped Naoto's arm. "I can see when someone is not eating well." She slowed, making Naoto halt as well. The younger sullenly stared ahead, unsure she could keep her composure around the older woman. Who, with a very soft voice asked, "Is there a problem?"

The detective frowned at the ground. "No problem, Tatsumi-san. I've not had an appetite."

"Is that so...?"

Naoto turned her head at the curious tone of the woman's voice. A tiny smile played around her lips and an odd glow shone in her eyes. The girl sighed. "I am not quite sure what you are implying. Yes, your son has shared a few meals with me." She set them back into motion, and the hand on her arm moved away. "I cannot fathom his motive in this matter. I had not requested his help."

"My Kanji-chan does what he does for his own reasons, Naoto-kun."

"He was nothing but polite," she admitted reluctantly. She would not add her other thoughts of overly protective behaviour entering the realms of obsessive observation of her movements or his irritating habit of not budging when she asked him to.

The nod his mother gave her comment was pleased. "Good. He always is good to those he cares about," she put up a finger, "and abrasive. Why, these days, I get the feeling if he does not yell at me, that I have done something wrong." With that, she slid open the door to her store and called out, "Kanji-chan, I am home!"

Kanji, wearing a store apron, turned sideways from measuring out some cloth and smiled for the fragment of a second, before he saw Naoto and froze.

"I am home?"

"Huh?" He blinked, then turned his eyes back to his mother. "Ah! Yes. We-Welcome home, Ma." He scrambled to his feet, hurried over to take the shopping from her and gave Naoto a brief nod and a grunt.

"Well then, I will-" The junior Shirogane froze as a loud thunderclap rolled through town.

"A storm? They didn't say there would be a storm, and this early in the year?" Kanji's mother leaned back outside and gave a small start as everything turned purple and bright yellow in the distance. "Oh my. This won't do." She slid the door shut in front of Naoto and started to take the umbrella out of her hands. "Well, I meant to invite you for dinner as a thank-you anyhow and it seems the gods have given me another reason to not send you home just yet."

"Ah. I..." _Think!_ "I appreciate the offer, Tatsumi-san, but I really ought to not impose any longer."

"Nonsense! You are one of Kanji-chan's friends and you gave up your chance on getting home before the storm by helping me get back here safe and dry. Please. It's been months since we had a guest over."

The girl turned her head and glance at the floor. "I..." Her voice ran out. It would be rude to refuse too strongly, no matter **_what_** she actually wanted or not. And Tatsumi-san was not involved in her current private dilemma. If anything, she had been most accommodating towards her in any and all of their interactions. She nodded and bowed to the woman. "I would be glad to accept your kind offer."

"That's a good girl. Now, take off your shoes, let me find you a pair of my house shoes, our floors can get breezy."

As she vanished into the back, Naoto pulled off her shoes and looked around. Nothing indicated that there had been a class previously, but she had seen him give these classes before. He was meticulous in his work and imprinted his ethics of order into the children he worked with. Everything was kept in five storage totes that she assumed he kept hidden in the back somewhere, and everything in these had its place and function. She would not find stray items from his classes.

She fondly remembered an afternoon during which she had come here with Yu to watch Nanako. It was early in their relationship and she still struggled with his attention. Every gaze of his made her blush and lose track of what she wished to say, everything he did seemed too enticing and Nanako loving her so deeply and freely made it easier to be drawn to her cousin.

The ache in her chest returned with vigour.

Tatsumi-san returned and placed a pair of comfortable-looking slippers before her. "Now, these are a winter pair, so if these feel too warm, you can take them off, but I am getting into the age where I need more warmth myself."

"Please, Tatsumi-san," Naoto replied embarrassed, tucking her cap, "you are not old."

She laughed delightedly. "And now you sound like my son. Come upstairs, it will be much warmer in the kitchen."

Naoto allowed her to lead, hearing her chatter at the corner of her mind, but not paying it any real attention. Because she had just realised that having dinner with Kanji Tatsumi's mother meant she would be having dinner with Kanji Tatsumi.

"Kanji-chan, your friend will be here for dinner, do we have something we could stretch to make work for three of us?"

A clatter, a few heavy steps, then he peered around the door frame with wide-open eyes. "How'd you old bat make her-"

"Kanji! Really! What can we make?"

He shook his head, blinked and apologised hurriedly. "Sorry, Ma. Eer. I had planned to make curry tonight, actually, 's quick and I had thought we could put leftovers away. So, yeah. Got plenty for that." He scratched his neck and mumbled, not looking at his classmate. Naoto through she picked up 'Not that it matters'.

She nodded. "Since I am an unplanned guest, let me make myself useful. I assume I could start-"

"No, dear, you are our guest!"

"Please. Let me assist."

The woman looked from her to her son, who shrugged and made an odd gesture that Naoto wasn't sure she understood fully.

"If ya wanna. Yer 'kay with peelin' and cutting the veggies?"

Naoto nodded, placed her briefcase and jacket over a chair and opened the buttons on her shirt sleeves to begin rolling them up. Kanji set out a knife and cutting board for her, while his mother turned to put away their shopping, which Kanji had simply put on the table previously.

Kanji and his mother chatted as they went about their tasks, but the cobalt-haired girl did not join in. She stole glances at the older woman and Kanji, who had started growing his bleached hair out, leaving him with the beginning of a darker layer of hair under his bleached and gelled hairdo.

Everything inside of her listed out to her why it was wrong to be here. Why it was not helping her find a solution to her needs and desires.

Her stomach cramped painfully as she remembered a similar night, in early November, when Yu and Nanako fixed up dinner. In the case of that specific night, there was more laughter and singing, mostly supplied by the little girl, but the situation, the familiar warmth of the setting, made her insides clench tightly.

She stared unseeing the half an onion in front of her when she felt a hand on her upper arm. She turned to look up at Kanji. "Ma hates cuttin' those, too, want me ta-?"

She shook her head and started to cut the bulb into chunks. When her eyes watered it was only in part from the counter-attack of the **_onion_**.

Just as she wiped her cheek on her shoulder, a phone rang. Kanji turned and sprinted away into the hallway, then poked his head back into the kitchen only a moment later. "Ma? It's Amagi-san, askin' for ya."

"Goodness, at this time of day?" The woman left the rice and Kanji took over washing and rinsing it as she left.

The teens stood side-by-side, each quietly working. Naoto sniffed a few times, but if he suspected anything, he did not voice his thoughts to her. The muted conversation from the other room was drowned out by the running water and when he finally turned off the tap, Naoto only was able to hear the tail-end of a conversation.

"...can't let the poor dear have that on this special day, no. ... yes, of course I will. ... No, it will be fine. What? Oh... yes, that would be appreciated of course. Good. Good, thank you. I will be there soon."

Naoto handed her cutting board to Kanji, who took it from her, unseeing, as he turned to the door. His mother walked in, looking thoughtful.

"What did Amagi-san need?"

"Well, apparently there was a mishap with a wedding kimono earlier today that damaged the obi. I have agreed to come out and fix it as a rush order before the great day tomorrow."

"What?! You stupid old bat, you wanna go out in _that_?" Kanji flung his arm to the window.

His mother smiled much more fondly than anyone rightly should after such an inconsiderate insult. A hand cupped his cheek. "They are sending me a taxi, Kanji-chan. Be a good boy and go find my kit."

He glared a moment, then stomped out.

"See? If you are not on the tail end of his sharp tongue, you know he does not care. He is worried and his worry always comes out as anger." She smiled fondly at the doorway that her son had just passed through.

"I am sorry to see you leave already. You were the one to invite me. I should leave as well."

"Nonsense! Kanji would love to have you share a meal. Besides, depending on how the damage looks, I might not need to do much and will be back soon."

"Hm. If you insist..."

"I do insist! Cook a nice dinner, set some out for me, and I will come back soon so I can eat what you two are cooking."

Naoto froze as a fond hand was placed on her head and the woman turned to leave as well.

Well. She was no chef, but even Naoto could boil some rice. She took the rinsed rice, measured out the water according to the amount of rice and set everything up to boil.

And after that... She looked around for the package of curry, trying to find the instructions, just as Kanji walked back in. "Ma's out." She simply continued on her task. It took a few moments before he spoke up again. "Look, Naoto..." She turned to see how he rubbed his neck. "I know yer mad at me or some'in'-"

"I am no such thing," she replied mildly.

His demeanour changed like lightning. His hand snapped to his side and he stood up taller. "Could've fooled me!" He pinched his eyes shut and rubbed his face. "No... sorry... I'm tryin'a say... I think you would rather not hang out with me, so if you wanna leave..."

The teens didn't look at one another for a while. Then Naoto shifted, her right hand sliding up her left arm till she gripped her shoulder there. "If your mother were to return soon, she would be disappointed if I had left already. I should wait with you for her to join us. At least for a while."

He pressed his lips together, then nodded and pulled a frilly apron from the peg on the wall. "Right. Okay, I'll get this started."

She nodded, watching him set out his utensils and ingredients. "Very well. I will start on our homework." He grunted and she hesitated, watching his back. She _was_ a guest. She should offer something in return for their hospitality. "Seeing I will be here a while, I will... I would be... glad to assist you with yours."

"Thanks."

Silence settled in, punctuated by the small sounds of Kanji's cooking and Naoto's quiet review of her notes.

While she had said she would start on her homework, she found herself lacking her general measure of concentration. She found her eyes wandering all over the small, classic homely setting of the kitchen and her eyes kept sliding back to Kanji.

Where Yu had been oddly creative in his cooking, replacing ingredients on the spot, mixing in new flavours, joking and laughing... Kanji was... well... Much like she had seen him in his crafts classes, he seemed to assign everything to a spot and checked his material before he started cooking. He would not need to improvise, like Yu so often had to, because he did not run out of ingredients or forget to add something to the meal. He was ready. Prepared. She wondered what would happen if she stole the corn starch he used to dust the chunks of chicken before frying them, or what he would do if she claimed all the carrots had gone bad.

The longer she watched the blonde, the more she also knew that she missed Yu. Watching Kanji, she missed her senpai more than she had in days. She missed his even, quiet voice, the way just listening to him warmed her, the way he would smile at her and how it would make her ache for his touch.

In all of this she felt the pain over not being near Yu. It was wrong to be in the Tatsumi home like she was now and feel even a moment of contentment. And yet, that was what happened. As she watched the boy cook, she relaxed, leaning on the table, and still missing the man she had given herself to.

For a moment she toyed with the idea once more to just call Yu. Find out how he had been. Tell him she missed him. Ask him why he had not left her a birthday message. Or told her he loved her since New Year's.

The phone rang and Kanji went to answer it. Naoto tried to re-focus on her work and ignored the conversation. When he came back, he sounded annoyed. "Shoddy craftsmanship. Ma said she'll need to put some hours into that obi to make sure it'll at least hold till the ceremony is over."

Naoto made a non-committal sound.

"Ya like some tea?"

Naoto blinked and looked up. "Pardon?"

"Tea? Would you like some?"

"Oh. I..." She pressed her lips together and shook her head.

"Ah. Okay."

Silence returned and she realised she was staring at her phone on the table. Just a text message perhaps. Just something short? "You are still important to me" perhaps. She would even spell it out for him, literally. Maybe tell him she considered to transfer schools. Come out to him, so she could be closer. So she could be his fully. So he would not need to ever look at another girl, ever again.

However long her thoughts had been drifting, it was long enough for Kanji to join her at the table with a pot of brewed tea and two thick cups.

"I did not ask for any tea."

He paused in mid-sitting and pressed both his eyes shut and his lips together, "Yeah. I know. Still got ya a cup." He sat.

Naoto flicked her eyes up. In a low, dangerous tones she said, "You are doing it again."

Kanji glanced at her, looking tired. "Doin' what, Naoto?"

She put the pencil in her hand down before she broke it by clenching her hand into a fist. "You wilfully ignoring my wishes."

"Willf- What?!"

Taking off her cap and running her hand through her hair, she just sighed.

"I ain't never willfully ignored anythin' ya said to me!"

She scoffed.

"What? I'm... I-!" Naoto jumped when his fists banged on the table and set everything on it bouncing up a few centimetres. "Damnit..."

And it was that word that froze her. Because it did not sound like him. Her eyes rolled up, peering at him under lowered eyebrows. She caught sight of the young man's hand covering his eyes, the other still curled into a fist on the table. The sound that came with the weakly whispered word had sounded too much like a sob.

It was too much. Naoto quietly but swiftly started to assemble the contents of her briefcase and made to stand. "I will be taking my leave now."

He jumped up so fast that his chair fell over and clattered to the floor. "Please-!"

"I am clearly not needed here, especially if your mother may not be returning long past dinner."

"Naoto, I-"

She rounded on him, furious. She felt trapped, she felt uncomfortably comfortable and she could not afford herself to go soft now. She had to leave. "What? What is it you want?" Her cap was slowly being crushed in her hand, her breath came in quick, angry huffs.

"I want you _safe_ , damnit!"

"I am perfectly safe! It is just a bit of rain outside!"

"Wh- Rain? Who cares about that shit?"

"I don't know; what else do you mean by _safe_?"

"Ya ain't eatin', yer avoidin' all'a us, an'... and yer... you... I can't let you leave."

Her breath caught and she became painfully aware that her gun was in her weapons locker at home. "I beg your pardon?"

"Not till you finally tell me!"

"Tell you what? What is it you want to hear so badly?"

He hunched and stepped towards her, trying to gaze deeper into her eyes. "Somethin's wrong. You're being strange." _Strange_. The word echoed in her head in the following moments of silence. "Yer not bein' yerself. An' I wanna know why."

"You may need to keep on having an unfulfilled want then." She turned and busied herself with her case. "Please express my regret to your mother for not remaining here. I am certain she will understand."

"You can tell her when she gets back."

"No, because by then I will be at home, working on-"

"Tell me what is going on."

She scoffed and faced him again. "Why would you possibly care? Why would _any_ of you care?"

"Any of 'us'? Because we're yer damn friends? Because you worry us?" His voice grew louder with each word now.

She shouted back. "It's about Yu, if you must know! And how he is gone! And how I miss him!"

"So what? We all do! We all miss him! But we are still here! We cannot stop living our lives!"

"Maybe I want to stop?"

His anger vanished with the same speed as his generally tightly constructed eyes started to widen. His knees hit the floor before her and his hands flew up to her face, thumbs brushing her cheeks. "Never... ever... say that again, Naoto Shirogane."

She swallowed hard, willing herself to not slap and kick him silly. "It would be the easiest way."

He still held her face cupped in his hands, slowly shaking his head. "Then you'd be killin' me with ya..." His hands yanked back the moment he said it and he scrambled to his feet, turning his back on her.

She stomped her foot down hard and made a sweeping dismissive gesture with her hand. "I would never do something like that!"

He hunched his back and seemed to shudder.

"You are your own person; I take no responsibility for you or your actions. Unless you know something I do not."

Here he barked a mirthless laugh.

"What is it?" A certain unease spread. He had known. He had known about Yu-senpai. Maybe he knew even more than she herself had let herself see. Boys gossip, sometimes worse than girls. What had he learned?

"Ya said yer wanted ta go. If ya promise ta be safe, go."

"No! First you tell me why you laughed at me!"

"I didn'."

She grabbed his arm and hauled, making him turn to face her. "What is it," she demanded once more, "what is it you know?"

And Kanji Tasumi's expression grew pained, he shook all over and whispered hoarsely, "I know that I am desperately in love with you, Naoto."

Her vision grew dark. Those words. Those horrible, dreaded words. The words that had led to her ultimate demise. And she stood and listened to them once more. Stood as he leaned in, tears in his eyes, brushing his lips against hers.

She let it happen. She stood, immobile, as she tasted his salty tears joined into the kiss. Stood as he lifted a hand to her neck, fingers gently running into her short hair. Stood as he broke away only to whisper again and again that he loved her. She silently and unmoving listened as his confession ran from his trembling lips, punctuated by small, vulnerable hiccups. Stood as he pulled her close, holding her face into his chest and she felt him groan painfully and sob out loud.

The pain had come crashing down on her. It was happening again. Another man. Another one to conquer her. It became even clearer when he quietly said, "Please stay here tonight. Please let me see you safe."

And she realised that this may simply become her lot in life as a woman. She nodded to herself as she let the inevitable take her over. "I understand," she mumbled. "Turn off the stove. Let us go upstairs then." She brought this on to herself. Giving in to the lull of the comforting feeling of a family home. Giving in to feeling _at home_ in this place. She had betrayed her home with Yu-senpai and this is what came of it.

Kanji sniffed, gave her a confused look but nodded. "Okay, give me a moment. We can get you sorted out right away."

 _Sorted out, yes..._ She walked on ahead, finding his room with ease. She did not bother turning on the light. Her hand went to her collar and she opened her tie; started to unbutton her shirt. Dropped both items carelessly. Opened her pants and let those pool around her ankles. When he arrived a moment later, loaded down by what appeared to be a futon and bedding, she turned to him, her bound chest and female boxer-cut underwear making her state of undress very clear, even in the dim light from outside.

He stopped and stared. "N... Naoto?"

"You wanted this." Her voice was hollow. Without drive. Defeated.

"I... what? No... why would you even..."

She stepped closer. "So should I make the first-"

"NO!" He dropped his burden, grabbed her by the shoulders and held her at arm's length. "How could you possibly think I told you how I feel so you would-? Do you honestly think I-? Naoto! No!"

"You said it yourself. You wanted me to ... stay the night."

"Yes," he wailed, sounding desperate, "yes I want you to sleep on the futon I was about to drag in here and sleep so I could watch you, so I know you are safe, so you stop punishing yourself by being alone! I never, ever would so callously imply we should... you know... Not like this!"

She blinked slowly. "But..."

"Wh-what? Did you want to...?"

"I... I just thought this is why you said-"

"No!"

"You are implying that you did not want me in a sexual manner when you confessed?"

"Of course not! That was not my goal here! Christ, Naoto, of course not!"

She hesitated. "You kissed me."

He froze. "Yeah. And I really wanna do that again to be honest. But yer freakin' me out right now." He ran his hands helplessly over her arms and shoulders. "I know. Yer jus' tired, tha's all. I'm ... ya know, I'm feelin' pretty spent myself, to be honest. Let's... call it an early night perhaps?"

She nodded numbly. He had rejected her... Rejected her before he even bed her.

Kanji let her go and went to a chest of drawers, rummaging about. "It'll be way, way too big for ya, but I got a set of pyjamas yer gonna like. It's all serious and stuff..." He laughed, sounding miserable as he did. Turning, he handed her a very classic-looking set of sleepwear. "Bath's right across from my room. Get changed, please. I'll set this up for ya, okay?"

She nodded again, taking the offered set and walked out of his room. By the time she returned he had folded her clothing and put it near the foot end of the futon he had set up for her. Their pillows were at the same height and the distance from each other was modest, but not actually showing as large a gap she had expected after his vehement protests. He himself had changed as well and sat on his own futon.

As Naoto placed her clothing down, he gave her a nervous smile and climbed under his blankets. Naoto followed suit on her own side and turned to look at him once she was snuggled down. His hand appeared from under his own blankets, but he hesitated and pulled it back almost immediately. "It's... too soon for that. I don't even know what you think of my ... of... what I said." He was silent, watching her with worry. As the silence between them grew, he added softly, "Oh man, I made a mess of things, haven't I?"

She shook her head mutely. "No. It is fine. I just do not have an answer to any of this."

"Yeah, I know. It's kinda a lot. I'm sorry."

Those were the last words either of them spoke that night. They watched one another quietly, till she decided she could not bear it any longer and closed her eyes. Not to sleep, just so she would no longer see.

When he drifted off not too long after and his breathing changed, Naoto quietly rose, picking up her clothing.

Her thoughts sluggishly spiralled back and forth over the last hour. His confession. And his subsequent refusal of her. Was it because he changed his mind after he had seen her in a relative state of undress? Had he changed how he perceived her? Had he lied when he said- Had Yu lied?

What was it either of these men- these _boys_ had meant when they told her they were in love with her. Or in lust with her? What had Kanji's motive been here?

As anger slowly coiled its hot, dark tendrils around her, Naoto quietly dressed, snuck downstairs to reclaim her possessions and let herself out through the back door, making sure it locked behind her. Her way home let the seed of destruction find root in her hurt, her confusion and her growing determination to not let any man ever mortify her like this again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice quite some style changes. Ikasury mainly wrote this chapter, with me hopping in and editing / adding Naoto. Thank her for saving Naoto and Kanji from my doom.
> 
> Also, 10/11/2016 - Retcon: Made a change to the end of the chapter to fall in line with a commissioned piece of artwork that @NaotoCiel on Twitter is created for me. ^^ See the notes at the bottom for the link, as it's a chapter spoiler.

 

> " _Naoto-kuuuuun~ hellooooo? Where are you~ you're missing my super-uber-fabulous-birthday party~ HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLOOOOOO! Kanji-kun's here~ same with Teddie and everyone~ we're all wondering where you're at?! Even Senpai is- *_ click*"

This was as far as Naoto let herself hear.

It was the day after Rise's birthday. The message was sent yesterday afternoon, along with several others, likely with increasing levels of frustration on the Idol's part. No one else left a message. Not Kanji. Not Yu.

She had fallen asleep on her couch, her bed far too comfortable to sleep in, and her insomnia not letting her even fall asleep until she'd taken several sleeping pills. Part of her was still surprised she had managed to stop herself at just a few. The package still lay on the coffee table in front of her. Though, perhaps the excessive amount of caffeine didn't help either and it wasn't the preferred way of taking a sleeping aid.

Her eyes ran over four different coffee mugs in front of her. She should probably take them into the kitchen. At least put them in the sink. She'd woken with her heart racing, cold, delirious and no real sense of time. Just her phone on the table flashing with a number of missed calls and several messages, all left by the same number.

_Rise Kujikawa._

Steel-blue eyes glared at the screen. The seven digits assigned to the idol's telephonic identity. The name left there. So feminine, so perfect for the ideal female that wanted nothing more than to gloat about her prize, give her details on senpai and herself and-

Naoto ended up throwing the phone against the wall.

She rolled over, burying her head into her arms and the sofa rest. It was too bright. Too early. Too everything for right now.

There was a buzz on the floor, muffled by the carpet. Someone else was calling her. She threw a pillow at it, muffling it more.

She didn't care. Didn't need any of this.

None of it mattered right now.

She was alone. As she should be. As Naoto Shirogane always was. It was the only way, the others didn't know, didn't understand. They made claims to wish to 'help' her, implying there was something 'wrong' to begin with. There was nothing 'wrong' with her, she just learned the way of the world quicker than them, better than them. Learned to accept it how they couldn't… wouldn't…

Another series of buzzing made her bury head further into the arm rest.

Rise. Naoto. The difference was clear. She even carried the name generally held by men. That alone should have shown her she had been on the right path before she met these teens. She wasn't effeminate enough, not delicate enough. She would never trigger anyone's desire to hold and protect her like _Rise_ could with just one small sigh from her lush girly lips. Naoto would lie bleeding on the ground and people would step over her to check on the likes of Yukiko Amagi. Being a woman would mean being used. And she had made it clear she could not be.

In doing so, she had made it clear she would not be a prize beyond her sexual abilities.

There was a taunting voice in the back of her mind, almost like her shadow. It was arguing her logic.

_If that's all there is to being a woman, why did that boy refuse you?_

Shut up.

_If that's all there is to love, why would he claim such, then deny it?_

Shut. Up.

_If that's all there is to Naoto Shirogane, then why even bother liv-_

"SHUT UP!"

Hitting both of her arms on the rest hurt, a lot. Not only did it awaken her fully but the pain reminded her of her predicament. She was still here, still in this town, still... still alone.

There was no reason for her to stay here at this point. The case was done with. Her 'companions' were done with her. She had no 'friends' and had simply been cast aside. Again.

_You should be used to it by now…_

Her shadow taunted and her fists gripped tighter.

It wasn't until the pain in her wrists subsided that she realized she was biting her lip hard, trying so futilely to not cry. Again. That was all she was doing. All she seemed good for now. Being weepy and helpless and useless and so much not who she needed to be, was born to be.

What was Naoto Shirogane worth if all that she was, all that she tried to be, was brought down by one person? One word. One gesture.

_One mistake._

She had no response to that. It had not felt like a mistake. It still did not. It was the anchor to her feelings, the focal point, the pinch in the hourglass that made everything before and after count and show value.

One mistake. Which was the mistake though? Believing Yu-senpai or believing Kanji-kun. Or was it allowing herself to be deluded into thinking, for a moment, just a small, little while, she could get close to people. Could _trust_ people. Be valuable and valued as not a Shirogane, but as herself.

They weren't her friends. They all lied to her. They only needed her for a job and she had completed that. They did not condone her wishes… went behind her back… all of them… they…

Her forehead came into contact with the arm rest. It was damp. She choked on another sob, trying so hard to stop it.

Outside, she heard someone bang open the door to the hallway, then barrel down it. The running stopped and there was banging on her door. "NAOTO! NAOTO! OPEN THE DOOR!"

She ignored it.

It simply continued. "OPEN THE DOOR NOW! ELSE I'M BREAKIN' IT DOWN!"

She scoffed. He wouldn't dare. No one would. Or care. Or actually feel the need to … She simply rolled over, facing the back of the couch, pinching her eyes shut, waiting for it just go away. Waiting for him to go away.

The banging carried on for a second, shifting to harder hits before it stopped. She blocked it out, knowing he'd leave eventually. Like everyone else.

So it was strange when she heard raised voices. His own personal brand of swearing included. She couldn't tell whose voices besides his came from that side of the door and pushed it out of her mind.

There was a sharp snick, the latch coming undone. _How did-?_ It didn't matter, her hand slipped to her holster anyway. Let them come.

Her holster. Her empty holster. Algernon was not at her side. Her reaching hand turned into a fist.

"Oh jeez! Really Naoto-kun," a high pitched squeaky voice complained, "it's one of those stupid chains, Kanji, if you would…"

"RAGH!" there was a loud sound, actually making her jump on the couch as her front door was forcefully kicked in, breaking the chain lock and slamming loudly against the wall.

Heavy footsteps stomped in a moment before being halted.

"Lemme _go_ , Rise, Naoto's-"

"Wait here, Kanji… let me deal with this…" there was something off about that voice. She knew it, knew who it was _supposed_ to be attached to... but I just sounded… _off_.

Obviously Kanji heard it as well, as the boy didn't protest the command. Of course, _anyone_ would listen to _her_. She was the _belle_ of the ball, she would smile and bat her eyelashes and _why the hell was she here_?

Light footsteps made their way down the short hall, pausing momentarily at the junction between her kitchen, bedroom and the living room. There was a sound of disapproval and Naoto could only imagine the pout playing on the idol's lips.

She honestly expected her to come around the front, try to talk _at_ her. Give one of her squeaky little idol rants with lots of sulking and big eyes. It was probably bad form that Naoto kept her head buried and faced towards the back of the couch. It left her remarkably unprepared for what happened next.

Without a single word, the idol walked around behind her couch, reached down and quicker than the detective realized, slid her hands between Naoto and the couch and flung her off.

Surprised, Naoto ended up hitting the coffee table and landing on her back on the ground with a thud, now rather forcefully having to stare up into the angry gaze of Rise Kujikawa, who just rested on the back of the couch with her arms crossed.

"Naoto!"

Kujikawa flicked a glance to the hallway and shook her head.

Naoto was not the first to speak in this encounter.

"You are a real piece of work, you know that, _Detective_ Shirogane."

Steel-blue eyes glared. She had no right to be snide to _her_ in _her_ home. "You realize you're enacting breaking and entering, _Kujikawa_ - _san_. An offense I can have you arrested for."

There was something sinister about the idol's smirk, "Don't think so, Naoto-kun~" one of her well-manicured hands reached into her blouse and pulled out a key, "See, I talked to the manager of this building, and I told him how we, your _friends_ , hadn't been able to contact you for the past few days. How you weren't even coming to school. So he _gave_ me this key to come check on you…" there was more meaning in her heated glare.

Naoto turned away, not wanting to look. From below the glass coffee table, she could see her revolver lay on the far end.

Rise's hands gripped the keys with a tight jingle, whatever idol-façade she had up normally was completely gone from her visage now. She was simply looking at Naoto, and it was angry. "What is going on with you?"

Naoto continued to look away, blindly hoping that if she continued to silently ignore the normally so flippant girl she'd get bored and leave. After all, the entertainer needed entertainment. She could starve in her need to be the center of attention.

Obviously, this just seemed to infuriate the idol more, "You mope around for a month, then disappear for a while, blank everyone, even your _friends_ ," there was that word again ' _friends'_ , as if she had any, "Yukiko-senpai and Chie-senpai try to talk to you and you completely shut them out - do you have any idea how upset Chie-senpai was by that? How worried Yukiko-senpai was?"

No, she didn't know. Or care. They weren't her friends. They were just part of the conspiracy. Part of the people that offered her up as sacrifice, part of the people that-

Again, she bit her lip hard. Closing her eyes tight, trying to block out the world.

"No! Of course you don't! Because you don't care, _at all_ , how you affect the people around you, Naoto Shirogane!"

She rolled over, trying to just get away.

Rise seemed to growl to herself, taking a deep breath, reorganizing her thoughts, "Then there was poor Teddie, who was only trying to ask you for help! Which, by the way, **_I_** asked him to do!"

_What?_

Steel-blue eyes blinked, pausing for a moment hoping she'd simply misheard the idol. Turning enough to glare back at her advisory she was met with an equally intense gaze, "What do you mean, you _asked_ him?"

"Tch," brown eyes rolled, "some detective you are." There was no smile, no jest in her voice like normal, "Teddie was worried about you not showing up, so I told him to invite you to help plan my party. Nothing cheers him up more than a big gathering of his friends, and you and he seem to always do well working out plans," the idol's voice and face softened, "Seriously, you're like the only one that can get him to 'plan' anything even marginally well…"

Naoto's gaze lingered longer than intended, but soon enough she looked away. It was foolish, just another lie. She was trying to get something from her, but what? A confession? An admission of guilt? And why not? Maybe she should simply do it. While both of these liars were here. 'I have had sex with Yu-senpai and it was fantastic and I crave it every day and night since.' That should rid her of both of them at once.

The moment she turned away there was another annoyed sound from the idol, "Jeez," she hit the back rest with her hands, standing up and walking along the back, "They call me a drama queen, but you certainly outclass me by miles…"

Naoto gripped her hand in to a fist, muttering something under her breath.

"What was that, Naoto-kun?" Rise leaned over the arm rest on the far end, putting a hand to her ear, "I didn't quite catch that?"

Gritting her teeth the Detective Prince growled, "I said 'get out'."

"Hmp," the idol seemed nonplussed, sitting on the arm rest, "No, I don't think I will…"

Another frustrated growl released from Naoto's lips as she turned around to glare at the insufferable girl, fists pressed to her knees, "I said, get out! This is my home, you are trespassing! Both of you! LEAVE!" She could hear Kanji shift somewhere by the door.

"Nope!" tauntingly Rise just leaned back, arms behind her head and took up the couch laying on it as Naoto had been before she threw her off, "Hrm… this is pretty comfy," she wiggled a bit more to fully be comfortable, only taking about half of it with her legs dangling over the rest, "I think I could get used to this."

"Argh," Naoto had to bite her tongue not to scream. Why? Why of all the people to barge into her home, why did it have to be Rise? Why was Kanji here?

Swiftly the young detective pushed herself up, moving so she was seated with her back on the couch and curled up with her knees to her chest.

It was just so infuriating. The sheer flippancy and disregard for personal space Rise pulled off with every encounter. Her overly familiar nature. Just, _everything_ about her. It was absolutely baffling how a character like hers could be so beloved by thousands. _Possibly because they do not know her…_

Rise's leg was kicking off the edge of the arm rest, "Ya know, I was really hoping you'd come to my birthday party."

"Hmph," Naoto looked away. Of course she did, Rise was so self-centered all she'd care about was herself, her party, having everyone show up, just for her, even Yu…

There was a sigh from the couch. "I was hoping to celebrate your birthday too, ya know." Rise's feet idly kicked the couch, "Seeing as you were completely blanking us before, I had _hoped_ giving you a month to cool off would be enough time to help settle…" she waved her hand, " _This_."

"This?" Naoto scoffed, "What this? Kujikawa-san, there is no _this_." She raised her head enough to see the table in front of her, eyeing the cups, pill packages and revolver at the end. Trying to adamantly refuse glancing anywhere near the idol. "And my birthday, if anything, is a family affair. I would have not welcomed outsiders into it."

"Uh, yea!" Rise waved her hands out, one coming well within Naoto's periphery, "That's why I only wanted to invite our friends!" she turned around on her stomach, scooching a bit further down the couch so her knees weren't on the rest, laying her chin on her crossed arms, "I wanted it to be a surprise, figured you'd get a kick out of a little mystery~"

The idol was entirely too close. Naoto did her best to ignore her as she curled up tighter again and mumbled against her thighs, "I have a strong distaste for surprises."

Rise rolled her eyes, "No kidding," she propped her head up, looking down the hall, narrowly giving Kanji a look as the large boy tried to 'sneak' closer again. Raising her other hand Rise waved him back, breathing, "Git!" The delinquent's reply was only a low growling and stomping back to the other side of the door.

Out of the corner of her eye Naoto watched the exchange, more Kanji's movements and assumed Kujikawa's. Without a proper word the idol could get the boy to leave. The power she wielded was ludicrous.

 _Not fair._ She was biting her lip again, glaring at the objects on her table in front of her; tried valiantly to ignore as the idol kicked her heels behind her.

There was silence for a while, longer than Naoto thought Rise could stand to be quiet. But of course it wasn't going to last.

"So?" Rise idly pondered.

"So what?" Naoto snapped back.

The idol rolled her eyes again, "So touchy…"

"You are invading my personal space and not heeding my requests to leave."

Was that a snort? "You can be really childish sometimes Naoto-kun."

She did not dignify that with a response.

Rise kicked her feet again, "I want you to tell me what's wrong."

"Why should I?" this girl had no rights to the inner workings of her mind. No rights to her feelings. No right to bother or even _care_ , let alone _pretend_ to care about how she felt at any given point in time.

There was a frustrated groan and she could feel Kujikawa flip over again, pushing herself to occupy the entire couch now, her head behind her own, entirely too close. "I figured if you said it out loud you could start to get over this…"

Again with the 'this' thing. "You are not one to be intentionally vague, Kujikawa-san."

Another snort, "And you're not one to sulk for two months because you realized you were being cheated on." Before Naoto could even respond or process her words, Rise had her arms up, frustrated, "What happened to the whole 'I don't need anyone' Naoto? The one that was all about accepting her torpid lot in life of being used then cast aside?"

"Stop it." The words were out of her mouth before she even realized it. Naoto had ducked her head into her arms, trying to block everything out, clenching her fists and gritting her teeth.

"I mean really? _How_ is this any different?" Rise was making some hand gestures that caused the cushion she was leaned against to move.

"It wasn't like-" she bit her tongue. She had no right to say such things. No reason to respond to the flippant _girl_ 's accusations. She was just being petty. Doing what Rise always did, flaunting her victory in the face of everyone!

"Oh please!" There was something bitter in the idol's voice, "Job, relationship, it's all the damn same! Expectations this. Rules that. Do as you're told. Follow these guidelines. Keep up appearances." She raised one hand and mocked a mouth talking, "Blah, blah, blah…"

Without thinking Naoto reacted. Tired of hearing her voice. Tired of hearing her mock her pain. Tired of everything the damn idol Rise Kujikawa represented to her _right now_.

Her right hand cupped in her left, Algernon was out and she was now sitting on the table seething at the _girl_ lying casually on her couch. The muzzle pointed right at the idol's head and it wasn't until she cocked back the hammer she was even aware of what she was doing. "Get out."

Of all the ways Naoto expected Rise to react to a gun pointed at her, not once did she assume the idol would simply stare at her down the barrel of the gun.

"Naoto-kun," her voice was far too calm, far too even and far too quiet to ever be associated with Rise Kujikawa, "Are you really going to shoot me?"

 _Yes_. Was her mind's immediate response. The only reason to draw a weapon was to fire it. She had it drawn, therefore she had every intention of firing it.

So why did her hand shake? Why was her trigger finger on the guard and not the trigger? Her taut muscles slowly gave, her aim wavering.

Rise slowly sat up, not even seeming to care about the weapon pointed at her, her eyes remained on the steel-blue ones in front of her. "Look at yourself, Naoto. Look at what this has done to you."

Again with the 'this' thing. _What does she know? She has everything! Everything I want! She took!_ Again the gun was pointed at the idol. Again her hand shook.

Again, Rise did not look away from her. "You're not going to shoot me, Naoto."

When she replied, her voice sounded oddly raw, even to her own ears. "How do you know?" She wasn't desperate for an answer. She wasn't asking for advice. She wasn't stalling for time so her hand would stop shaking. She just…

Slowly, Rise simply raised her hand and put a finger on the barrel of the gun in her hand and idly pushed it away, "For one, if you were, you would have done it first thing." She stood up, wiping off her skirt, voice still bizarrely even, "Second, even with an insanity defense you know you couldn't get away with it. Kanji-kun is out there, and while he would probably lie for you… his own guilt would probably kill him in the end," a sharp look came over the idol's eyes as she started at the young woman in front of her, "and even you aren't _that_ cruel…"

Naoto's grip tightened on the gun, wanting so much to do _something_ … but in the end she set it to the side on the table.

Rise seemed to move a bit, fiddling with her blouse above Naoto's range of vision, "Thirdly… if you _really_ , and I mean this, **_really_** wanted to throw away everything between us, abandon all of us as friends, and ignore everything we've all done together over something so…" from what Naoto could see, Rise's hand clinched tightly at her side as she faced away, towards the back walls, "… so **_petty_** … then you wouldn't have let me get so goddamn close to you."

Rise turned around and looked at Naoto hard.

Those were eyes the young detective had never seen on the idol. Stern, tempered fury, completely serious… all things she never would have associated with Rise.

She couldn't look at it for very long. It hurt. "What do you want… Rise-san?" Her resolve faded and she hated it. Hated the weakness of it. But she was tired, so, so tired. If giving the idol what she wanted would make her leave, maybe that was what she would do.

"I want my friend back," she growled. She followed up when Naoto only scoffed and looked away, "You think you're the only one hurt by this? The only one that _knew_?"

Naoto stilled.

And Rise knew she had her, "You weren't the first, hell, if anything you were one of the last." She sat down hard in front of Naoto, arms and legs crossed, glaring into the middle distance, "You're also not the only one that figured it out when he left. If anything it was like a spell finally lifted and we could talk about it." There was a nervous twitch, she rubbed her arm, looking slightly away, "Chie had Yosuke to help her through it, Yukiko had Chie… I can only imagine how it felt for them at the time… Chie-senpai being dumped for her hotter friend, opening old wounds… only for her to get dropped as well once his goal was accomplished-"

"For you no doubt." Naoto spat.

"No," Rise said wistfully, "That bitchy Ai girl… then some other girl… I never really caught her name…" Finally her eyes turned to Naoto, so empty compared to what she was used to, " _Then_ it was me."

Naoto just looked at the floor between them. Her arms crossed, elbows on her knees supporting her as she just stared, unable to take that flippant look or hear what she had say. She _knew_ , yes, had known for weeks. She just didn't want to hear it.

"What I don't get, Naoto, is why you're putting this all on yourself?"

She kept looking at the floor.

Rise looked at her friend with a somber gaze, eyes moving to the rest of the table, "Four empty cups of, knowing you, coffee; two packs of sleeping pills and your revolver." Miffed brown eyes returned to the cobalt haired girl in front of her, "The others might be blissfully ignorant of what that spells out, but I know that kind of party…"

Naoto actually looked up at the girl. How could she know? That wasn't… it wasn't her intent… it never was! But she knew, _knew_ , that she had not even breathed a hint of her thoughts- wait. Kanji Tatsumi. Of course. He had to mettle. Her anger started to heat up again.

Rise just propped her chin on one hand and lazily stared at the girl, "I was in showbiz, Naoto, you think I don't know a suicide suite when I see one?" The way the _slightly_ older girl's widened caused Rise to give a small giggle, a moment of the idol Risette showing through, made all the stranger by the morose atmosphere between them, "I didn't quit because I was 'bored' ya know~" she said with a wink, making it that much worse.

Naoto had no words. No method of refuting her. Her mouth opened but nothing came out and something tugged at the edge of her eyes.

The idol smile and charm disappeared, the young woman in front of her seeming so much older all of a sudden. "You're lucky you know?" tired brown eyes looked to the side, "No matter what, you have a career, something to be proud of, something to hide behind and shelter you from it all…" Rise lowered her hands, sitting on the edge of the couch, gripping the cushion on both sides of her, "I think the Detective Prince has a lot more dignity than Risette, at least you can pretend you aren't being thrown out there as a sex object. A tool, sure, but you have more functionality than I do." A sigh, "I'm just there to titillate and sell records."

"I-it's not- That is not the same…" the argument was weak and she wasn't even sure what she was arguing at this point.

"Naoto," Rise was staring up at the ceiling, tapping her feet under the table, "Your shadow was a small child that wanted to make everything 'right' so you could do what you love easily. Mine was a stripper." She lowered her gaze, staring at the cobalt haired detective sternly, "If you thought you were being used by…" her grip tightened on the cushion, "Imagine how I felt? As an idol I have to sell an image, of being this unobtainable innocent virgin that nerds can sweat over, and the one guy I think actually likes me, that'll be there for me and I can trust to keep this between us… turns out to just need to bang me so he can upgrade my persona so we have an easier time in the TV world?"

The detective just growled, gripping the table beside her.

There was an annoyed grunt from the idol, "I don't even think that was necessary, just a caveat of whatever deal with whatever devil he made to get that power of his," Rise waved her hand, looking away, "From what I could tell, all he needed was the bonds that allowed our Persona to evolve, not everything else. I mean, he didn't get with the guys."

"How do you know that…?" Naoto's voice was small, weak. She wasn't asking because she _wanted_ to know. She just asked.

Rise turned to the girl sitting on the table, waited for the silence to draw her attention up and with a sad smirk tapped her head, "I knew the second I got Kanzeon." The smile was so fragmented, so _different_ from every other one Naoto had ever seen on the girl. It was… disturbing. "Where Himiko only let me see the surface of people, of shadows, Kanzeon sees much further… she sees the truth. Unbridled, unrelenting, completely exposed with no care for how it'll make me feel. That's simply what she does." The smile was gone, the adult look of a woman that knew too much faced her, "I knew everything the second I had her. Long before anyone else knew. Long before the end."

"Then why didn't you tell us?" Her words made Naoto furious. Something burned inside, indignation, rage… betrayal. _So I was right… she is a liar._

Rise didn't hide the look on her face, though it wasn't guilt or shame, just simple sadness, "Because I couldn't." Stern brown eyes slid up to stare directly into steel-blue. "For one, you wouldn't have believed me. Not about what I saw in his head, not about the 'reasons' he told himself for what he was doing, or the 'truths' behind it all, not even the fact that if we _didn't_ have that power his philandering ass awoke in us by taking advantage of us, we wouldn't have been able to **_save the world_**." She huffed, crossing her arms, "not one of you would have admitted it to me or even accepted what I had to say."

When Naoto opened her mouth to protest Rise simply raised her hand, pointing at her and cutting her off, "Don't. Don't even bother trying to lie to me because I know you don't care about sparing my feelings."

Naoto's mouth shut. She was right, she _didn't_ care about sparing her feelings, she never was one to sugar coat anything. That lack of tact got her in trouble more than once with various departments. "I should have seen it. No. That is wrong. I _did_ see it. I saw how Chie looked at him. How Yukiko did. And you are not exactly known for your subtlety when it came to how you behaved around him." Steel-blue eyes slid away from brown ones. "But when he said… when he… I just-" She sat up, pressing her lips together, taking a sharp breath. She would not cry. Not before anyone, not ever again. "I was special. He said so." Naoto swallowed on the lump that had returned to her throat as she forced the last words out.

Swifter than she realized and gentler than she could have imagined, Rise reached forward and simply hugged her. "I know." One of her hands reached up and pat her head, sniffling into her shoulder as the idol squeezed a bit harder. "You are." Her voice cracked, low and there was something wet on the back of her neck. "You are special, Naoto-kun, to all of us." Rise shook her head, holding her tight, "Not just to him."

Naoto's hands gripped tighter on the table. _I won't cry. I_ won't _cry!_ Despite her words she felt it, so strong, so inevitable… it all just hurt. Trying to keep the hurt locked and controlled within felt like something ripping apart in her chest, so painful it made her numb.

This didn't make sense. None of it.

She shouldn't be here. Not like this. Not with Rise hugging her, holding her so preciously, crying even… and not in that open blubbery way she normally showed. This was silent, this was small and private… it was sincere, a moment just between the two girls.

It did not make sense.

"I do not understand."

Rise just hugged her tighter, burying her face in her shoulder, muffling her voice but it was close enough to the detective's ear to pick up, "We love you Naoto. Not like him. Yu… I don't even know what to say about him… but that wasn't love. Need. Desire. Petty conquest." She sniffled, shifting so she was kneeling in front of the girl as she slowly let go of the hug but moving to hold her hands instead, "He needed something from all of us and took it." Angry brown eyes shot up, looking straight into Naoto's steel-blue ones, fierce, loyal, protective… and so hurt, "He didn't have to, but he did." She gripped Naoto's hands tighter, "And you know what… I'm glad." Righteous fury sparked in her eyes. "I'm glad, because not only did it teach us the truth about bastards like him in this world, but now he's stuck with a _goddess_ just as petty and selfish as him, and the second he screws up again, she'll strike him down with all the fury of lighting on his cheating ass."

"Rise…"

She looked away, "Don't worry Naoto, not everyone is like him. Some people actually give a damn about you," she looked up with a little smirk, "A lot of us actually," her brown eyes skirted to the door where Kanji had been banished and she gave a slight nod into that direction. "A certain someone in particular…"

Naoto followed her gaze and felt her stomach clinch. She still had not resolved her issue with Kanji, hadn't even spoken to him since she left that night. What does one say? What does one do? She had absolutely no idea. Her own immediate reaction apparently was not what he had wanted, but how would it work normally then? …was there a _normally_ in such situations?

Luckily she had a very meddlesome idol shaking her hands, turning her attention back to Rise who had an interesting smirk on her face, "I know he confessed to you." She sat up higher on her knees, getting entirely too close for comfort. Which made her lower, and more dangerous, voice that much more frightening, "And I know you ran out on him without saying a word."

The only response Naoto could muster at first was to stare and clinch her jaw. _What was I supposed to do?!_ She turned her head away and mumbled quietly, "I did no such thing. I simply left sooner than he-"

"Sneaking out in the night while he sleeps or storming out of his house with him looking – you think either was good?" After another second of Rise glaring, she backed off, smirking again, "But don't worry, I'm not going to skin you, _this_ time." The wink did not help at all. "But that's just because I don't think you're ready to deal with him yet, you already about broke the poor boy."

Naoto still looked away, "I have no idea what you mean, Rise-san."

The idol just pat her hands before standing up, dragging Naoto with her and giving the strangest smile, "That's okay," there was another bone-crushing hug as she whispered into her ear, "You will, one day." Another sympathetic squeeze, "When you're ready to get over him, and to talk about it…." Then she held her out at arm's length and smiled, letting go and heading towards the door.

Naoto just stared. Was she really leaving? Was she going to leave her alone? Why did that make her _slightly_ apprehensive? She tried to gulp down the lump blocking her airways almost immediately and weakly said, "R-Rise-san…"

The idol turned back with a playful smirk on her face, "Don't worry Naoto-kun~ I'm just gonna go, give you your space and all that~" she turned back around, heading for the door with a flippant wave.

"S-stay."

Where had that come from? She could not even remember thinking the word, could not piece together how it sprung from her lips.

Rise paused, halfway to the entrance to the living room, "Are you sure about that, Naoto-kun? I might bug you?"

Naoto clinched her hands into fists.

Rise kept smirking, "I might say things you don't like? Things you don't want to hear? Heck, I might even hug you again… Even get you back for that stunt you pulled with your gun?" Her voice was sing-song sweet but there was something else underneath it. Something genuine, happy, almost hopeful.

 _She wants to stay. But she wants me to ask her to._ Naoto just scrunched up her shoulder, shaking from both fury and desperation. She hated her, but she didn't want her to leave. Not now… just, not right now.

They held one another's stares. The hopeful glint was still in Rise's eyes, but Naoto understood. She would do whatever the young detective said. She offered to leave, if she really wanted her to. And then she realised that she had given her an out – her phrasing. The idol had not simply said 'Do you want me to stay?' She had issued a challenge.

Adamant steel-blue eyes narrowly glared at the idol. She could do this. It was a challenge, nothing more, "Do your worst, Rise-san."

An utterly devious grin passed the idol's face as she turned around, "KANJI-KUN!"

The door banged open. "Y-Yea?! What happened?"

"GO GET US SOME ICE CREAM!" she shouted as she immediately skipped over to Naoto, hugging her inappropriately and squeezing her way too tight, "LOTS OF CHOCOLATE! WITH SPRINKLES AND NUTS AND STUFF! LOTS OF STUFF!"

"Huh?" The poor boy stuck his head back into the apartment, and watched as Rise basically tackled Naoto onto her own sofa, "H-HEY! WHADDYA THINK YOU'RE DOIN'! RISE!"

"Ufufufufu~" Rise nuzzled Naoto.

The junior Shirogane short a panicked look between the mess of red hair to her side, the blonde boy standing helplessly just inside her living room, torn between rushing to her and not invoking the idol's wrath once more and hid her face in her hands. "Rise-san, please…"

"Poor Kan-chi~ better hurry or I might just have to keep Naoto-kun all to myself~"

The blonde punk just growled, shifting his gaze from one girl to the other, "Naoto… you… you okay with this?"

"No," she said dryly, her hand slipping away before pinching the bridge of her nose, "But I feel I have no choice at this juncture…"

There was a long moment of awkward silence, only filled with happy sounds right next to her ear. Rise-san clearly was enjoying herself and she seemed to not have anything further to contribute. Kanji on the other hand shifted, his eyes hardening every time he glanced at the idol, while looking restless whenever he glanced at Naoto.

"You know, you do not need to-"

"Kan-chi would _love_ to help out," Rise happily chirped, nuzzling down harder into Naoto's more and more exposed neck, her already rumpled shirt no longer able to support the collar properly.

The detective sighed softly and stared at the ceiling. "Please pick up some sherbet while you're at it. My wallet is possibly somewhere in the kitchen in my blue checkered coat."

"Wha-?"

"YOU HEARD THE WOMAN!" Rise pushed herself up from her nuzzling, glaring with all the fury of a kitten at the taller boy, "GET HER THE FRUITIEST ICE CREAM THERE IS!" Then threw a couch pillow at him, "ALL THE COLORS! ALL OF THEM!"

"Ack Jeez, Rise…" He growled, stealing another look at the girls, then threw up his hands. "FINE!" The boy bellowed at the ceiling, growling as he stomped out, "I'M GOIN'! I'M GOIN'!"

As soon as the door slammed, Rise sat up and just started giggling, "Poor guy, he's such a dear."

Naoto just huffed, "It seems to be the case. But you use him like slave labour."

"Eh, he's got his uses," she wave her hand, settling in comfortably next to Naoto on the couch. Not overly hugging, no rubbing, no awkward contact, only their shoulders touching as the idol just smiled.

Naoto couldn't help but stare at her for a second. Where was the flouting idol from a second ago? Where was the angry offender from minutes ago? Where was the older woman who'd looked her in the eye and told her the truth?

The last few minutes were a whole new puzzle to her. She had been so certain that her situation was clear. That the only way was pulling back and isolating herself. That all she could or should do needed to be on her.

And then the idol came in. She eyed her sideways and frowned. She was still not sure she was fully on board with her taking over her home, or with anything she had said. But the way tears tried to pool in her eyes whenever she remembered the hug spoke a language she could not ignore.

In the end Naoto just sighed, tired of all of this, "I do not understand you, Rise-san."

"You're not supposed to, Naoto-kun," she nudged her with her shoulder, "we can only understand so much about one another, and that's just what we let ourselves show."

A cobalt brow rose as steely-blue eyes stared at the girl next to her, "Where did Rise Kujikawa go? Or was I speaking to Risette just now?"

The idol had a funny smirk, "Oh they are here, but they are just not everything there is, Naoto-kun~"

For a moment Naoto just stared, then after determining she had no repudiation or means of fully comprehending the idol's meaning at the moment, just let herself slump.

She folded her hands between her legs and leaned forward, Rise leaning with her. The idol's head came to rest on her shoulder lightly and Naoto swallowed hard.

As someone who had trained herself to reject physical contact, generally the only reaction she felt was being utterly tense. She remembered Yu, and how he gently managed to breach her walls of self-defence in that regard. Remembered the times Rise Kujikawa bullied in to simply hug her. And also remembered, with a wave of heat over her face, the embrace Kanji had given her. The feeling the hug Rise gave now, as well as the feeling of light pressure against her shoulder, felt so much different. Tolerable… even pleasant.

She swallowed once more. "I have made such a mess of things. I would not even know where I should begin to start making amends." She sighed and lifted a hand to rest over her eyes. "How could I face our senpai? Or Kanji-kun's mother? Never mind Kanji or Teddie… What do I do now?"

"Now?" Rise moved around a bit, looking for something, "We figure out where your TV remote is and watch a bunch of really sappy movies and pig out on ice cream when Kanji-kun gets back."

"How cliché," Naoto groaned, though she really had nothing better to add at the moment. "She paused and glanced at the idol. "Rise-san?"

"Mmhmm?" There was an idle nod from Rise as she glanced around, apparently looking for the remote. Obviously she intended the ludicrous idea she'd put forth.

"You did not send Kanji out for my sake alone, did you?"

There was only a light pause, "Maybe."

The cobalt-haired girl waited for a few moments to see if more would be said. "You sent him for yours and his as well, did you not?" At this point Naoto managed to glance at the girl leaning on her. She was fairly still, even compared to moments ago when they were just sitting shoulder-to-shoulder. She was looking away, but from what she could see, Naoto could tell the look was serious on her face.

After a lengthy pause she turned back with a small smile and gripped Naoto's hand tightly, "Maybe~" Rise suddenly got up, "Oh yea, also…" walking towards the back wall she crouched down to pick something up and walked back to Naoto slumped on her couch, "Here."

It was her phone. "What do you want me to do with that?"

"What I _want_ is for you to block Yu's number," she held up a hand before Naoto could respond, "Trust me, it helps…"

Naoto just stared at her phone offered her, "You know I can't do that, Rise-san…"

"I know," she put it in the girl's hands before sitting close beside her on the couch, "We always might need his number for something else world-threatening… but I'd still rather you at least delete it, just to give yourself some piece of mind."

Naoto just stared at her phone, "How can you ask me to do something, when I know you haven't-"

Before Naoto could even finish her sentence, Rise had her own phone out showing a contact page. The number was familiar. It was the same number Naoto had desperately wanted to show up on her own phone, giving her a call, leaving a text or especially a message…

Only, this was Rise's phone and knowing the idol her contacts were all personalized to how she saw those around her. Silly symbols and ring tones, emoji and cute names.

This contact just said 'Narukami'. No emoji. No senpai. No nicknames. No Yu. Nothing.

Naoto looked up from the phone, seeing Rise stare ahead with that strangely serious face.

"Trust me Naoto, it gets easier."

 

* * *

 

Much later that night, the living room of Naoto Shirogane had changed a fair bit. Before Kanji had returned, the idol had stowed away the sleeping pills on the table, given Naoto a long hard look over the matter, but not commented further. Algernon was back in its holster, which in turn was at its designated spot. In the place of these, boxes of ice creams, popsicles and toppings lay scattered on the coffee table – which the teens had to push away a bit when Kanji, deeply blushing, stated at first that he could not sit on the couch with the girls. After a bit of a pillow fight between the blonde and Rise, several throw pillows were littering the floor as well now.

Quietly the DVD player turned itself off, moving into stand-by. The TV set itself to a lowish blue screen saver and Naoto let her eyes wander around the mostly dark room.

Her eyes wandered over the DVD boxes the idol had pulled out after having conceded to not putting Naoto through any romance movies. In the end, they had settled for dubbed 007 movies. 'The Living Daylights' still way on the mind of the junior Shirogane and she caught herself humming softly a few times.

Rise, who drowsily leaned against right shifted. "Mhm. I never thought you could hold a key, Naoto-kun."

She scoffed. "I may not be a professional, Rise-san, but I enjoy singing to myself. Just not… to an audience."

The quiet chuckle at her side made her turn her head. She saw the idol blink at her sleepily. "I bet it would sound nice. If you ever want a first audience."

"I will let you know," Naoto said drily.

To her left, Kanji shifted, trying to pull his arm free. Naoto leaned closer to Rise and the boy shifted himself back up onto the couch, from which he had been slowly sliding off since he fell asleep half an hour ago. The sugar crash after eating easily two liters of ice cream himself had hit him hard.

"How do you feel?"

She turned to look out the window and frowned slightly. _How do I feel…_ "Comforted. Taken care of. Wrong."

"Wrong how?" She felt the idol shift, possibly sitting up.

"Feeling any kind if contentedness feels… wrong to me right now. I expect and accept the pain, but I cannot accept even a hint of… of…" She blinked and ducked her head before finishing lamely, "not-pain?"

In the following minutes she told Rise everything. Starting from how much she hated the idol for seeing Yu off saying what she had been unable to say to him. (That only earned her an even tighter hug.) How she felt she needed to solve this herself. Even her nightmares and the slow burn of disgust at herself for feeling comfortable at the Tatsumi household only a few days ago. She still did not weep, she could not in their presence, but she choked on her words more than once. "It feels as if accepting anything other than this darkness would make it all meaningless. What I have done. What I feel. As if the only way to find meaning is to not allow anything else inside." She tilted her head, listening to herself, then shook her head and sighed. "I apologize. I believe none of this makes sense, now that I said it."

She felt her hand being taken into the slightly younger girl's. She patted her hand and said quietly, "Yea... It makes sense and that feeling lasts for a while. But you eventually get to the point you can deal with people and things again. It's not the same... but it's better than just the pain."

Kanji shifted again, a soft grumble coming from her left. Naoto looked from Rise, to her held hand and slightly to her left, where she could make out the blanket shifting that the boy had pulled over himself.

"So what should I do about Kanji-kun? I thought I knew what he wanted. I was wrong. But even after the rejection he still is..." She shrugged and pointed. Rise leaned forward and smiled at how close he had drifted towards Naoto in his sleep. "How can he be rejected and still...? After what I have done to him, I would have expected distance. Not this." There was another, slightly longer pause. When she continued, her voice dropped both in register and volume once more. "After all, I could not seek out Yu. I tried and I cannot even text him."

Her hand was released, but only in trade for her arm as Rise held on to her and snuggled up closer. "He's a poor innocent boy... even with everything he's been through he's still too naive..." Her arm was squeezed. "Even after everything he wants things to be special for you... not..." the idol waved a hand, "easy. I don't really think he ever thought it would be easy, and he's been…" The idol smiled when Naoto turned to look at her. "Well. He doesn't want to do anything unless YOU. WANT. IT... no matter about his own feelings or desires-" she snickered, "-cause trust me... you're more than enough for him in looks~"

The older girl stiffened and gave her left side a panicked look. When she found him still dozing, she hissed, "Rise-san!"

Who continued as if nothing untoward had happened. "As for him being rejected by you…" The idol looked up and stared at her friend for an uncomfortably long moment. "You running away and rejecting him are two entirely different things," there was a playful wink from the idol, "and I've only seen the first so far."

A denial was on her lips the moment her idol-friend had spoken. But the way she lifted her eyebrows at Naoto and then looked past her made her stop. She could have sent him away. She could have told him she does not want him near her. She had not. She had scooted up and made room for him on the couch when he started to show signs of stiffness from sitting on the floor for an hour.

A head came back down on her right shoulder. "Besides... it doesn't matter right now... you're still too raw to think about any of it clearly... and that's okay... I think..." The burgundy-colored hair at the corner of her vision moved as Rise shook her head. "I think he gets that." A nudge followed. "You just pushed him into saying something he wasn't ready to tell you~" The delighted chuckle held something sinister.

After turning her head away and staring into nothingness for a while, Naoto sighed softly. "I'm still in love with Yu-senpai. If I were to just throw myself at Kanji-kun, what would that say of me? Of him? He would just be a rebound." She paused, frowned and turned to her rival-friend. "And I did no such thing! I would never-"

"That's why I'm saying don't... he might not 'know' but Kanji's way too attuned to your frequency to know when you're upset and when to not push you." Her arm was squeezed and the chuckle returned. "And you totally did... I don't know what you did, but you did."

Heaving a tired sigh, Naoto replied, "Why did he even tell you…"

The grin was thick on her friend's' voice. "He didn't."

The TV shut itself off and plunged the room into darkness. Naoto froze up. If Rise had not known before, then her reaction to her comments on Kanji's tearful confession had fully confirmed any hunch the idol may have had. She had not known, she only had circumstantial evidence and made her supply her own confirmation. Naoto turned her head slowly and glanced at the twin tails to her right.

"I just know my friends." A delighted, _evil_ snicker preceded the shift to her right and Rise pulled Naoto back into a hug.

Naoto glared, but in the end, she only had herself to blame. Leaning back, she turned her head to her left, ignoring the hug and soft laughter from her right. Kanji had started to slide off the couch again, his upper body slowly leaning towards her.

She was at an absolute loss still. Why was his reaction so different from her own? Maybe the sexual aspect she had had with Yu was what made this so much worse to her. Maybe the way he dealt with it made it easier somehow. Whichever it was, she had run. Looking at the young man, all she could think of was how different it had felt sitting on Yu-senpai's couch. The pain was still very deep and she had no idea what promises she could make Kanji or Rise or herself on any of this.

"He's a good guy, you know?" She did not turn her head to look back to her right. "He won't push you. When you're ready... then you can deal with your feelings, with his feelings, accept them or not, but at least… without how you feel about Yu hanging over it all." Rise's hug became a bit tighter as her voice lowered, "Just promise me to be fair to him, 'kay?"

She nodded. "Fair. Yes. I should tell him that his advances are unreasonable and he should abandon the notion. I do not wish to cause him hurt."

She felt a small punch to her ribs. "Saying it like that would only hurt him... and yourself!"

"What? Why? It would be unfair to ' _string him along_ ' if I know I cannot- that I-" She shook her head and lifted her hand to stop the other girl from speaking. "Rise-san, I _like_ Kanji-kun. I do not want him to feel the way I do."

A scoff, then the girl snuggled back up. "'String him along', really. You don't know that... you can't know that," she added, sounding annoyed, "not right now at the very least. All you'd be doing is closing off the greatest possibility you could have because of what you feel now."

The notion that she could hug the girl beside her would have seemed outlandish at best only twelve hours ago. The same for allowing the warmth that rolled through her body each time she felt the hug squeeze her tighter, or the way her eyes would tear up at her gentle words or her throat constrict all airflow at a soft glance from her.

She had been so wrong. Her aim had been off, by more than a mere mile. She had been shooting at the wrong targets, had followed the wrong trails for weeks.

Naoto shifted, leaning herself closer to Kanji and pulling Rise into a tighter hug. "I do not know what to do..."

The other girl looked up with a smile and brushed a strand of blue hair behind her ear. "Breathe... that's usually a good start - then just give him a chance... to at the very least be your friend until you can decide-" she pointed at Naoto and pinned her with a glare, "-properly, and I mean this... not some B.S. with your feelings of Yu and hurt and betrayal screwing it all up... just... just Kanji... Just you..."

Naoto looked over the table once more. The markers had clearly changed. Gone were the tools of self-harm, replaced with sugar and colors and all the signs of friends having invaded her loneliness.

Rise was getting sleepy. The long pauses in her speech were now joined by her voice growing softer, her speech running slurred. "Just be yourself Naoto-kun... not all depressing and stuff though~"

"What if that _is_ me?"

"'s not… we know you better 'n that…."

She felt movement and moments later an arm reached over her and Rise from the left. Kanji shifted in his sleep and mumbled something incoherent, his right arm stretching out behind her back, as if reaching for Rise. Naoto shifted to allow his arm passage, only to find his hand curling around her right elbow. Seconds later, she felt his left hand touch her own and slowly grip to hold on to her. It was a gentle touch, but it reflected her friends' desire to keep her safe and wanting to be near her. After a moment's hesitation, her fingers curled up, holding on to his hand.

As if to not be outdone by the boy, she felt Rise shift closer, the arm on her shoulder slowly slipping down her arm.  Glancing to her side, she noticed the girl breathing deeply, asleep. With the hint of a smile, Naoto curled up her right arm, catching the other girl, hugging the arm closer across her stomach.

With both her friends fallen asleep and holding on to her, Naoto closed her eyes, allowed a few tears to build up to finally run over her cheeks. It was hard. It was hard to accept that she was in love with a man who had not wanted her. Or maybe had, but only for a short while. It was equally hard to accept that the girls he had used were not her rivals. If anything, this should have bonded them closer together, even if she had not seen it until now. And it was hard to know two of her friends had been willing to face her anger and insults, only to get another chance to be by her side.

Her own, helpless ways of trying to solve the problem had brought her to the brink of destruction. And she still could not dare trying to fully understand how close she had been. If not for the now-broken chain on her door and her friends coming for her…

For now, being kept safe by these two would have to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read the comment section in Chap 6, the story is changing a whole lot from what my draft was at first. I did not plan a happy end for Naoto in the slightest, but for personal reasons, this time around we are somewhat adjusting it. I DID promise Catharine that I'll publish the original at some point when I am personally in a better place and safer to actually go dark.  
> For now, ILYS is getting a hopeful ending, even if not a happy ending. Final Chapter will now be chapter 8, so I'll see you guys once more before we are done here.
> 
> Edited 13/11/2016 - @NaoCiel on twitter did a wonderful piece for us, showing Kanji and Rise snuggled up to Naoto at the end of this chapter.  
> [“Our friendship grows Strong” Rise, Naoto and Kanji ~](http://naocieru.tumblr.com/post/152912596720/our-friendship-grows-strong-rise-naoto-and)
> 
> ~Wishy


	8. Chapter 8

The last three weeks had been stressful on several levels.

It had taken quite some convincing to avoid Rise-san pretty much moving in after that night. The compromise which was found, was that Naoto had to report in with her friends in the evening - both Rise-san and Kanji-kun. (That had happened by Rise-san sending a mass-text which had their three numbers on it.) The Shirogane heir promised she would let them know once she got home. The one night she forgot, exhausted from a long evening at the police station, found Kanji, out of breath, his shirt clinging to him with sweat, hammering on her door at midnight. It was the one time that taught her she did not want to have any other such times, if she wishes to have continued cordial dealings with her neighbours.

It was not the only new ritual that was established with or for her.

After a humble apology to her senpai, Naoto found that she had worried too much over their reaction. Chie-senpai had started crying and hugging her before she had even finished her apology and Yukiko-senpai simply put her arms around the both of them. Their genuine affection for her was both startling, especially after her standoffish demeanour towards them, and much welcome in her struggle to adjust to her new place in 'a world without Yu'.

She also found that her lunches were spend in company every day. No matter what she might have wished, someone was standing by to be with her. She lost count how many times in the first week she had to hide her tears over the teens' generosity. Rise-san foremost seemed to have decided she would not let her out of their sight. If she had ever shared with anyone what she had found that evening in her living room, she never told.

Naoto Shirogane had never sought out friends. Never felt she _needed_ friends. And she had done her very best to remove the few she had found from her life since March. The humbling sensation of having her peers pull together and surround her was pushing her resolve to a breaking point on a near daily basis. Chie-senpai simply stated "Of course, dummy. We had time to sort through this mess already. You're just late to the party."

She had made time to visit Teddie. While Teddie insisting on calling it a date and Naoto pointed out it was simply spending time as friends, had spent an afternoon in the TV World with snacks she had brought along as a peace offering. The boy-shadow told her he had been worried for her, knew she was lonesome but did not know why. He even mentioned he had smelled her shadow on her - an echo of her nightmares? Knowing of his love for 'sensei', she never much breached the details on what happened with Yu. He did not need to know and he might not even have understood fully. In the end, he convinced her to link the TV set in her room with one of his exits, "Just so you can come see me if you need me, and just so I can come see you if you vanish."

The subject of ' _vanishing'_ seemed to be on all of their minds a lot. Whenever someone said that word, she felt Rise-san look at her with an unreadable but overall pained expression on her face.

The idol in general had grown much closer to her. They had spent a lot of time talking in the past weeks. She confided in Naoto that she considered her to be her dearest friend. Her closest friend, especially after what connected them through Yu-senpai. She admitted to jealousy when she felt Naoto fall for him, unable to properly explain how she managed to tap into these emotions; admitted to the pain when she knew what was happening and she could not prevent it. She also shared some of her own pain and Naoto found herself in the frighteningly new situation of comforting a crying friend. As different as the two girls were, their bonds grew tighter day by day – and the junior Shirogane started to feel comfortable knowing she could have these ties to someone else.

But Rise-san must have known things she did not. After she knew she would not be contacted by her senpai again, because he was blocked and could not, she stopped waiting for it. And in turn, she stopped fearing it. After the second week, she even stopped craving fully. She could not tell herself a lie that tall. But she did feel some healing.

"A part of you will always love him, Naoto-kun," Rise-san had told her one day on the roof, and Yukiko nodded. "You cannot ever expect it to fully go away, or think it will go back to how it was before. You will know."

Their senpai nodded and added, her expression very grim, "And you will remember what he did. You will remember the hurt. You will remember the things he did. The things you did. You will learn from this and know the signs." The heat in her voice should have felt scary, but knowing it was not directed at her buffered the outburst a little.

She had also visited her grandfather. The many deleted emails could only be brought to him verbally and she spend an entire night releasing her distress with him, curled up in his lap like a child, crying out her hurt. She had not attempted to find physical comfort in years, but after that night, held tightly between Kanji-kun and Rise-san, she had started to crave the touch of family. Naoto told Grampa everything. Told him how she had grown to admire her senpai over the 'case' he had send to Inaba. Told him how the admiration grew into her heart. Told him how she had to realise she had fallen in love with him that evening at the graveyard.

He apologised to her, as if it had been his fault. Apologised as if the poor choices her senpai had made were his doing. It broke her heart all over once more.

She further told him about Kanji Tatsumi's confession and how it did not ease her grief, how, if anything, it had deepened it. Deepened the pain of missing Yu-senpai. Deepened the hurt of not having him. Kanji-kun's interest only seemed to highlight to her how Yu-senpai seemed to not have an interest, or maybe never had had an interest. She felt the hurt sharply with each soft gaze Kanji tried to hide from her and it cut like a knife. The senior Shirogane had no advice on the matter, other than holding her as she stumbled through her words. And if she could be honest about it, she did not need more than being able to show her hurt to someone who would share it and give her comfort.

Her life slowly regained its formal structure. Now that she no longer needed to plan around avoiding her friends, she could take care of her basic needs much better. She went shopping, often accompanied by others, to ensure she had her basic needs at home – although she still seemed to forget all meals besides dinner on most days. It took her passing out during P.E. and the school nurse checking her over to realise that continuing this path would only harm her – and was likely to draft Rise-san's attention. After a few minor mishaps in the kitchen (it was only a very small burn, really), she had promised Kanji-kun she would not continue to reject his offers for packed lunches any longer. He even gave a few basic lessons in her small kitchen, repeatedly wrestling the chilli-powder from Rise as they made their way through the different foods.

Naoto managed reconnected with Dojima on a more personal level as well, again, thanks to Kanji Tatsumi. His lessons for younger children lead him to finding out how often Nanako Dojima asked about his friend and one morning she found him waiting for her, handing her a drawing of herself and Nanako, wearing Loveline Witch Detective outfits. He did not say a single word, simply smiled and let her figure it out – not that the mystery was a complex one. After a call to the Dojima household, she was roped in to help the older detective one afternoon by minding his daughter. It turned into an afternoon spend by showing the girl how to gather fingerprints and how to interpret footprints.

Nanako loved her as much still as Naoto had remembered. And while she had feared she had overestimated the regard the young girl held her in, she was pleased to learn that the girl had in fact asked her father if 'Naoto-neesan' could visit with her. Before Dojima drove her home that night, she had to promise his daughter that she would be back and they would 'play detective some more'.

Day by day, her life settled down more and she felt her old strenght return.

 

* * *

 

This evening found her in her pyjamas, sipping chamomile tea. She flipped through a set of files her Grampa had send her, making sure her notations were properly in place before she would send it back tomorrow with the currier service they employed on a regular basis. She found her life entering a comfortable rhythm of school, work and friends Naoto had to admit that this network stabilised her more than she could have ever managed on her own. She had send her evening message and her phone had buzzed a few times already. Rise possibly was in a chatty mood and she and Kanji were teasing as they would sometimes do in the evenings.

After sealing the envelope, she picked up her phone and browsed the messages of her friends. Some banter, followed by good-night wishes.

She was about to put her phone down, when another text arrived. From Kanji, send only to her.

> Hey, Naoto. So Ma was wondering if you'd like to come home with me after school tomorrow. She said she still owes you dinner and she's been bugging' me for days now. Can I tell her you'll be over?

Naoto eyed the message till her screen went dark. There had been one matter she had avoided in these past weeks; a question she never felt the strength to address. A situation she still did not feel she could concentrate on. It was something delicate, something fragile and something she was certain she could not properly handle with the limited understanding she had. An insight she lacked of her own feelings for Yu and Kanji's feelings for her.

She had avoided the subject and told herself she could not face it. Not like this. Not without some more time for herself. For healing. For getting to know _that_ vulnerable side of her. For all the things that she needed to overcome first, before she would dare again. And right now, she did not wish to dare.

She knew her heart still belonged to Yu. She would shamefully admit to herself that, if his number was not blocked, she would still stare at her phone, wishing for his call or be desperate to call him. She even would welcome him back. If he were to knock on her door and tell her how wrong he had been and tell her he would be hers; she would-

Naoto closed her eyes and sighed.

It was too early to consider approaching another boy. Too early to try to date the young man who confessed to her the depth of his feelings.

However, this was not a date, was it? It was the mother of a classmate asking her to join them for a family meal. She nodded to herself. This she could allow. She hit the reply button.

> Y RE: DNNR. W8 4 ME AFTR CLSS


End file.
